As the State Turns

Clear Air For Oregonians! #justkiddinglol
So, we’ve got a new big of clean air law stinkin’ up the joint, however, a recent analysis by The Oregonian casts some doubt on the legislation’s ability to get the job done. You see, according to their calculations, it looks like the back and forth that went on with lobbyists sucked the life out of the whole she-bang, to the point that “even if state regulators discover a factory is increasing neighbor’s risk of getting cancer, they may be unable to require new controls.”

Jeepers. Cancer? I thought all we’d get would be like, a third eyeball or something. Damn lobbyists.

I highly recommend visiting the OregonLive website and searching for “Why Oregon’s new clean air law may not clean the air.” It’s a very lengthy, well-thought-out read on the topic. If you live in Oregon, you should be concerned. Art Robinson’s master plan to kill us all via sprinkling radiation into our rivers and streams is being one-upped, and we just can’t have that.


Oprah Hands Out Lawsuits to Portland PD
You get a lawsuit! And you get a lawsuit! Okay, so it wasn’t Oprah, but there are some lawsuits flying around nonetheless. Six to be exact, and all based on allegations of excessive force having been deployed during protests throughout 2016 and 2017. I mean, I guess that’s what happens when you smack protesters around, arrest them, and they are then released because there was no reason to hold them in the first place.

Personally, I think everyone is overreacting. Like that one woman who was cracked a few times with a baton for merely standing near the protest. What a whiner. Just like the 67-year-old woman who was tackled and had her nose broken after trying to help an elderly friend that had been knocked down by police.


At least one thing came of all of this: researching the topic had me stumbling across information that suggested protesters had, at one time or another, filled balloons with poopoo and teetee before throwing them at the cops. That’s gross, and awesome. But don’t do that.

Just don’t.

Fred Meyer Does a Thing, But Doesn’t Admit It
In response to people being shot and whatnot, Fred Meyer has announced that all of their 130+ stores, quite a few of which are in Oregon, will stop selling guns n’ ammo. Only they didn’t mention the Parkland shooting at all in their statement, instead saying it was a business decision because the $7 million piece of the pie those sales represent have been declining. Personally, I’d lick poo from a horse’s sweaty, fly-infested tush for $20 and a Capri Sun, so I don’t know what the hell they’re complaining about. I guess Mr. Fred Meyer doesn’t even recognize paltry sums under the $10 million mark. What a jackas*.

Hey Fred! Maybe next time worry less about people killing other people, and maybe take a look at those grocery prices, you snowflake. Some of us are trying to get some damn orange juice without sacrificing the vodka.

Oh, by the way, this won’t happen immediately. It’ll be a phase-out kinda deal. Blah blah blah, next.

Forest Service to Hikers: /facepalm
You know, I always thought that walking, running, or hiking for “fun” was for suckers, and the Forest Service has pretty much confirmed my suspicions. Apparently, people just won’t stay the hell out of the Columbia gorge, despite repeated warnings from officials that it isn’t safe after the damage caused by the Eagle Creek fire. Falling trees, rockslides, sasquatches… the dangers are all over the place, and they keep having to blow taxpayer money by sending rescue teams, police, etc. up into the gorge after fools that go in but can’t get themselves out. It’s like when your cat finds an empty Pringles can and gets its head stuck.

There’s a silver lining, though. As it turns out, hopping barricades and going into “don’t go in here” zones is considered criminal trespass, so a lot of these people who are getting hauled out will be contributed to their rescue fund via fat fines.

Salem n’ Corpses
“Abuse of a corpse” is a strange charge, considering that it can range from necrophilia to improper storage. Personally, I’d like there to be some clarification between the two, especially when you see stuff in the news like, “This dude Cody R. Hilliard is being charged with killing someone, stealing a car, burglarizing, and abusing a corpse.” Which I did see, just now, related to this exact thing having happened recently in Salem.

Here’s to hoping it isn’t what we think it is.

By Johnny Beaver