As the State Turns

January Neatherlin About to Go On Extended Lunch Break
What do you do when you really need a tan, but you’ve got a bunch of pesky kids in your care? Drug them with melatonin and call it “nap time!” Or at least that’s what Bend, OR resident, January Neatherlin, had been doing until she was arrested last March on 12 accounts of Being a Total Stinking Decrepit Piece of Sh*t. 

She had been running an illegal daycare business for the previous four years called “Little Giggles,” which operated from 11 a.m. until 2 p.m. The kids show up, they get dosed, she goes to achieve a little early-onset wrinkling and toss a tire around or something at CrossFit, and boom! Back in time for the little bastards to wake up and go home. It would have been the perfect crime if only Neatherlin wasn’t a total blithering idiot. Did I mention that she lied to parents about being a registered nurse?

Over the last year she spent her time in jail suffering from a lack of tanning, as well as bothering her fellow inmates to engage in some kind of scheme where they pretend to have been her employees. She even contacted former inmates and was like, “Hey, hey there. Sup. Tell you what. Send me bail money, and some tanning lotion, and I’ll totally pay you back with interest from my secret offshore accounts.” It’s like uh, no. Go away, you f*cking creep.

Anyway, happy ending: she was just sentenced to over 21 years in prison. She’s definitely going to be walking out of there all pasty white.

Now… if we could only get rapists that kind of sentencing.

Kurt Schrader’s Advice on Fake News
OregonLive recently ran a guest piece by Oregon Democratic Representative Kurt Schrader called “Finding good information in the age of ‘fake news’.” It’s full of great bits of advice, such as “read stuff” and “listen to opinions you don’t agree with.” Wise words for sure. 

Still, try as I might, I couldn’t find the part where he suggested we boost efforts in public education to teach critical thinking and skepticism, or grow our high school journalism programs. I mean, I know it has got to be in there somewhere. Right? Maybe they used a really small font or something. Because it’d be totally batsh*t bonkers ridiculous to comment on the dangers of smartphones, and the media challenges that kind of access presents without discussing the fact that we are simply not teaching kids how to actually think.

And Now For Some Crazy Sh*t
Normally when you think about Beaverton, international intrigue is not the first thing to spring up. Still, some dude from Iraq that was living there tried to convince the Iraqi government last year that he was a member of the U.S. Intelligence community in an attempt to influence their choice for the next director of Iraq’s intelligence operation. Obviously he was quickly caught, and the FBI raided his sh*t. 

The idiot in question, Wathiq Al-Ibraheemi, plead guilty to Doing Some Dumb Stuff back in January, but it only amounted to a misdemeanor. Why? Because what the hell, why not? We’re walking, talking chemical sacks floating on a rock in a universe we can’t understand, and in the end, nobody knows what reality is, where it comes from, or if “where” is even a relevant question. In fact, let’s toss out all of the W questions, throw in the How, and poof, no more journalism. I’m outta here. I quit.

Okay I’m Back
But only because there’s a naked violinist. Yes, Matthew Mglej is a musician that got naked outside of the Portland federal courthouse in 2014 and played his, er, instrument next to a Thomas Jefferson quote about somethin’ or other. Because a dong was involved everyone lost their motherlickin’ minds and the case has been bouncing around ever since – but maybe not for too much longer. The case was finally just sent before some federal judges, who likely won’t take too long to issue a final ruling.

In the meantime, enjoy this video of the proceeding:

There are some truly ridiculous arguments being made. You’re welcome.

By Johnny Beaver