As the State Turns

Justice: A Dish Best Served Not On Fire
Life sucks for “A.B.” Or at least, the teenager that those initials belong to. See, A.B. is the mostly-unnamed kiddo that set the Columbia River Gorge on fire just a few short months ago. Sentencing was just carried out last week, and A.B. received 1,920 hours of community service, in addition to five years of probation. And while that sort of sounds like a description for some marriages, I’m guessing the truly crappy part is knowing that he caused so much damage and endangered so many people. In fact, take a look at the letter he wrote yourself:

I recommend just Googling it rather than trying to type out that obnoxious URL, but whichever way you get there, the words seem genuine. And if they aren’t, he’d be so good at faking it that he deserves some kind of award, anyway.

Smokey the Bear says that, “only you can prevent forest fires,” which is, of course, total bullsh*t. It should go, “Don’t set off smoke bombs in the forest because you could burn it down, you dumbas* piece of sh*t.” And now there’s at least one person who will be taking that to heart.

By the way, I heard could you could complete community service hours by ___________ ____________. And that little bit of mad libs goes out to all of you who grieve for Eagle Creek.

Portland Crime Update
First of all, this isn’t a crime, but this guy sitting next to me on the blue line last week pissed himself and it is just like, damnit, can I at least get a refund on my ticket? Nobody pays five bucks to get peed on. I mean, besides Donald Trump.

Usually it’s more like $60.

Anyway, this old dude with a scraggly mullet in Tigard tried to murder his even older roommate with a piece of plastic wrap. Apparently, the woman he was attempting to suffocate racked up a bunch of utility bills, and he just wasn’t having it. Understandable. During the attack, the recliner that the victim was sitting on was knocked over, and during that time she pressed the button on her LifeAlert thingy, which summoned the authorities (sort of). The mullet dude didn’t like this, so he punched her in the face a bunch of times. The woman is going to survive the attack, and that as*hole will go to jail. Note to self: don’t look for roommates on Craigslist (that’s how she found him). Instead, use OkCupid. No weirdos on there.

Jacob and Nicholas Rose of Aloha were busted after stabbing a guy in the back over some stolen property. As it was with the previous case, the victim is going to be okay, while the Stabby McStabberson brothers are going to have to learn how to pick those little black bits out of the prison bologne.

Continuing the trend, a teenager who was shot six times by another teen last week is expected to recover. So far, nobody really knows why the incident occurred, but the suspect is in custody and I expect we’ll know something by the time this goes to print.

For a little bit of good news, one of the Malheur douche bags, Oregonian Jason Patrick, just got handed a nearly two-year prison sentence. It’s not what prosecutors (or anyone else) wanted, but it’s something. He was also ordered to pay $10,000 in restitution, and he’ll be barred from ever owning guns again because of being convicted with a felony. I guess the next time he occupies a federal building he can defend himself with one of those dildos they got in the mail.

Someone Get Me Giorgio A. Tsoukalos On the Line
Anyone notice that fireball in the sky last week? It was about ye big, on fire, flyin’ about all willy-nilly. Nope? Maybe it’s because, unlike Los Angelers… Angeleans… (whatever they’re called), Oregonians who caught a look at the spectacle didn’t pull over and start calling the FBI with War of the Worlds-esque messages. Boom, in your face, California. That’ll teach you to freak out when clearly bizarre stuff starts happening in your skies that is legitimately far weirder than this is.


Anyway, calm your shorts everyone. It was “space junk.” Or so we are being told. I suppose I’ll let you choose which highly improbably conspiracy theory to engage so you can embarrass your family on Facebook however you see fit. Either that, or piss them off at the dinner table. Totally up to you.

By Johnny Beaver