As the State Turns

Remember Robert LaVoy Finicum? Yes, that guy. The gun-toting, death-wish lunatic from the infamous Malheur Occupation(tm). Some stuff happened, he pressed his luck, and then was shot and killed by law enforcement. The rest of his cohort got off (in more ways than one, I’m sure) due to our government’s incompetence, and Bob’s your uncle. Unless your uncle’s name is something else.

Anyway, fast forward to last week. Finicum’s family has filed a wrongful death suit and wants to rake in about $70 million from the deal. In other words, given a major bulk discount, enough dollars’ worth of burritos to feed half the country for a day. Because, what? LaVoy was an idiotic, dildo-receiving, sh*t hole digger who felt the need to cause a ruckus over the prosecution of some arsonists who didn’t even want him there? Nope!


The suit is being filed because, as the lawyer’s put it, “Defendants were mentally predisposed and committed to using excessive lethal force to solve a political dispute.” Here’s a list of who they claim is responsible:

Attorney General Loretta Lynch, ex FBI Special Agent Greg Bretzing, Senators Ron Wyden and Harry Reid, Harney County Sheriff Dave Ward, Governor Kate Brown, some judge whose name I forget and am too lazy to look up, ex FBI Director James Comey, the FBI as a whole, and the Bureau of Land Management, and an environmental group called The Center For Biological Diversity. Maybe some others, even. Who knows? I’m surprised they didn’t sue the manufacturers of all the stuff they destroyed during the occupation, or maybe the locals who had been intimidated and threatened. Or Ronald McDonald, because why the hell not?

Despite the fact that the incident was cleared as a justified shooting after an investigation, this conspiracy theory of a lawsuit won’t take no for an answer, and claims that Finicum was a non-violent dude and was surrendering when shot. This should play out amusingly, considering that Finicum, like, occupied a federal building and marched around with a gun and uh… wasn’t holding his hands up when shot, like they claim. However, given the judicial track record with this yokel, who knows.

Amtrak Update
The National Transportation Safety Board let fly a few details about December’s deadly derailment, including this tasty tidbit: the train engineer can’t remember seeing the 30 mph speed-limit sign that was posted a few miles in advance of the turn. Both the engineer and the conductor say they were alert and well rested. Though, I am a bit suspicious. Honestly, who the hell is ever well rested? I slept 10 hours last night and feel like sh*t on a hot tin roof.

More details are sure to emerge in the near future, which can’t really come soon enough.


Portlandia Update
Portlandia will be calling it quits after season eight, and nobody cares. Not that I didn’t enjoy the show, but the gag was done in a while ago. If you’d like some more Armisen and Brownstein, check out the former’s roles as total creepers in Eurotrip and Broad City, and the latter in Sleater-Kinney, because Sleater-Kinney. Also, remember this phrase: “I can pay you in blocks.”

State Crime Stuff
In more entertaining news, a pimp (literally) by the name of Ahmed Turay, was just sentenced to six years for trafficking underage girls. He was busted back in September after arranging a “date” for a 17-year-old girl through an ad on website The cops had a To Catch a Predator style sting set up, and stung his ass. Wait a second. Wasn’t it just a few years ago that said website was sued for millions after a woman was sex trafficked and murdered? Yep.

Anyway, Turay is none too happy with his current situation. Not only did they take away his purple hat and velvet jumpsuit, but he seems to think the operation that nabbed him was unfair. Yeah, me too. Only not.

In far less entertaining news, the dismembered and decapitated body of a 28-year-old woman from Aloha was found stuffed in suitcases in the trunk of a car last week. The police shortly had someone in custody, who before being arrested attempted to cut their own throat and wrists. Not much else has been reported at the time of writing. Hopefully by the time we go to print, there will have been some updates to shed light on what happened.

By Johnny Beaver