As the State Turns

Columbia Gorge News You Aren’t Going to Want to Hear
Remember all of those fires that happened the other month? Eagle Creek and all that. Yeah, so… The damage wound up being pretty bad, and the U.S. Forest Service has now said “Sorry, but a lot of trails and sh*t won’t be open for a number of years.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Duh, you jackas*. We already knew this was the likely outcome.” Well, yeah. But isn’t half of the news like that? I’m trying my best here. You know what, to hell with you. I’m not even going to tell you the extra super secret information that’s related to this.

Or at least I wouldn’t if there were any.

More Columbia Stuff
A big ol’ oil leak spread across five miles of the Columbia River last week, prompting people to report it because they’re responsible and stuff. As of the time this is being written, nobody is 100 percent sure where the oil is coming from, but the Coast Guard thinks it may have originated in tanks belonging to the Union Fisherman Cooperative.

Oregon Public Broadcasting reported that something called a “containment boom” had been placed around the area, but I strongly suspect that this is a fictional piece of equipment. I don’t know what the hell it is, and so therefore I doubt anyone else does, either. I’m a very stable genius.

Portland Starbucks Robbed
With Antiquated Technology

The Lloyd District Starbucks was hit last Saturday by a robber brandishing a knife. There’s not a whole lot of information out there, such as whether or not it was a “knife” or one of those Crocodile Dundee “this is a knife”s. The suspect was described as being in his 40s, thin, about six feet or so tall, and carrying a knife. Because of the whole knife thing.

Why he didn’t use a more modern weapon, nobody is sure. Literally, humans have been using knives for at least 150,000 years. There’s a small chance he traveled here from the past with a stolen time machine. There’s also a chance he’s not in his 40s, and merely looks that way due to a crystal meth habit.

Starbucks has reported that he made away with some cash. Personally, I don’t get it. They make a wicked almond milk white chocolate mocha. He could have probably gotten one of those multi-drink carriers full of them. I would have also had them fill a backpack with whipped cream. Also a cheese croissant. And also one of those “healthy” peanut butter and jelly sandwich boxes.

And also… never mind, that’s it.

Guess We Weren’t Done With
the Columbia Stuff

Ever heard of Lower Columbia College? Nobody has. Probably because it’s in Washington. Still, it is Columbia-related, and I’m on a roll.

Anyway, their IT nerd department sent out a false active-shooter warning last Saturday. Oops. The alert was cleared within three minutes, putting Hawaii to shame, but it didn’t prevent several schools in the area from issuing lockdown procedures.

Portland Celebrates Anniversary of Trump Inauguration…
…with a ton of protesters standing all over the street, waving signs and shouting. The “National March for Impeachment,” as it is called, was the first of a number of rallies that were themed for women’s rights, immigration, and of course, telling Trump to go to hell and calling on lawmakers, etc. to eject his big orange as* before we build a wall that will embarrass us forever, and trade nukes with a tw*t from halfway around the world. Wait, can I say tw*t without the asterisk?

Protests caused some delays for trains and buses, but what else is new? Especially if you’re catching the Blue Line from Pioneer Square out to Beaverton. Late, early, on time… you’re gonna be crammed in there like sardines regardless. Note to TriMet: send more trains.

Eugene Celebrates… Nothing
This is mainly because twenty-something Jordan Ledbetter was charged over the weekend with murder and several counts of assault after he opened fire at a party, killing one and injuring a few others. No motivation has been reported as of now, but police have cited possible LSD use. There should be a toxicology report out by the time you’re reading this. According to the Register-Guard, there wasn’t an argument or anything before the incident, however the mug shot of this kid shows him beat to hell. It’s probably safe to assume that this happened as the result of the guy, you know, shooting people, but who knows.

Either way, our heart goes out to the family of the victims, and hope police get to the bottom of this soon. I also hope next week someone spills a load of hagfish on the road again or something, because this sh*t is depressing.

By Johnny Beaver