As the State Turns

Gas Station Changeup: Quick, Everybody Panic
Errbody up in the club getting’ pissy. Starting on January 1 of this year, counties that have less than 40,000 rancid souls stinking them up could begin offering “self-service gas stations.” What does this mean? Two things, essentially.

1. You may have to drag your as* out of the car and pump your own gas in certain areas.

2. Some folks may lose their jobs because you’d rather go ahead and get out of the car than just run out of gas and starve to death on the side of the highway. Supporters of the bill say this isn’t true because stations with stores still have to have attendants, but uh… there are several holes in that logic.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s true that almost nobody will be directly affected by this law, and I can see where it might be tough on some businesses (to some degree or another…) to employ someone all day just to fill up like four cars. But a job is a job is a job. Unless you’re Donald J. Trump, in which case a job is something you make other people do, but can’t manage to do yourself. Because you’re a human buttplug and probably need someone to write “L” and “R” on your shoes for you.

The real fun in all of this, of course, has come via social media. Most of what is out there amounts to “ha ha Oregonians can’t pump gas,” which is kind of boring. I mean, neither can New Jer… New Jersians? Jerseyans? Neither can those f*cking people. No really, they have similar laws. But the good bits are when you find Oregonians throwing tantrums over having to get out where there might be “drifters,” or having to brave “the smell of gasoline.” Because you can’t smell it when you roll your window down to pay? Also, drifters. I don’t like writing “LOL” in material going to print, but LOL. Drifters. If that use of the term doesn’t reek of “middle-class, white Oregonian driving a Volvo,” nothing does.

Last but not least, there are the unfortunate bastards rattling on about the fact that indeed, they do not know how to pump gas, and fear they might not be able to learn. I guess the rumors are true, then. Or at least they’re just lazy liars. I can see myself falling into the latter category. If I had to pump my own gas, I’m not sure I’d be willing to take the time to wander into the mini-mart and buy overpriced energy drinks. Without those I’d be able to sleep at night. You can see where this vicious cycle is going.

Many people seem to think that most of the rural areas will avoid making any big changes, instead just continuing to rely on legislation passed a few years ago that allow them to use self-service policies between the hours of 6 p.m. and 6 a.m. After all, change is scary, and we’ve been robbed of our pumping autonomy since 1951. This isn’t to mention the fact that a lot of places would have to install new customer-friendly pumps, which costs money and therefore, no.

There’s also the whole “disabled” thing. You know, people who actually need help pumping gas. I think there’s something called the Americans with Disabilities Act that says something about gas stations needing to be provided that kind of assistance. That side of the discussion isn’t very funny though, so we’ll skip it.

Oregon Sues Monsanto
Long story short: Monsanto caused a huge mess by dumping a bunch of polychlorobifolicacitatular triphelylalanines all over the place, which are banned. Oregon has had to spend a ton of money cleaning all this crap up, and now we’re trying to recoup the costs. This last been going on for like 30 years – to the tune of $100 million. This has come out of the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality, which as you know has been sort of sucking in some capacities, so there you go. It’s Monsanto’s fault. It’s been a while since I’ve heard anyone complain about them, so by all means.

Monsanto has called the suit “baseless,” I believe stemming from the fact that these chemicals had yet to be banned when they dumped them. But that’s stupid, so there’s that. They have already been sued by Spokane, Seattle, and the state of Washington itself.

Polyficarbonaicoleum dibenylates are poisonous to both humans and animals. Because humans are also animals, we get the toxic effects doubly.

Oregon Pot Businesses’ to Sessions: “Dude, WTF?”
After Goomba-faced Trumplodyte Jeff Sessions mouthed off about rescinding Obama-era policies to leave states alone who had legalized marijuana, pot-related business owners in Oregon and other weed-friendly states all collectively went “WTF” (as the headline suggests), and started into some variable-intensity freakouts. I’d say this was inevitable, but really it only happened because we elected a bunch of old-timey fascists. In the long run, the fact that marijuana brings in bazillions of dollars will certainly outweigh any manufactured morality-for-votes scheme. However, let us hope that in the meantime nobody gets needlessly screwed over.

Support your local drug dealer and go get yourself stoned. Unless you’ve got a mental disorder and it makes you lose your sh*t, of course. Contrary to popular Buzzfeed-esque articles, THC isn’t always great for extreme anxiety.

By Johnny Beaver