As the State Turns

Rock Slide Kicks Popular Hot Spring in the Yarbles
Lookin’ to get out, get natural, and relax in some bacteria-laden hot water that’s bubbling out of the Earth? With no pants on? Well, you’re going to need to find a new spot. The ultra-popular Terwillger Hot Springs is closed indefinitely due to a truly massive rock slide. According to reporting by Oregon Public Broadcasting, the amount of boulders and crap all over the road could fill 800 dump trucks. 800 trucks, means 800 drivers. 800 drivers working a full day of about 12 hours, at let’s say $20 an hour… carry the two… the expense could pay for like 200,000 burritos, easy. And that’s just the driving cost. Hell, think of what it cost just to get me to do this fancy economic math?

If you plan on using Aufderheide Drive, the road that leads to the springs, you’re also going to be sadly out of luck.

I guess all of the second-tier hot springs in the state are about to get a hell of a lot more crowded with people wearing nothing but sunglasses and those furry hats with the flaps on the side.

Our Year End Snowpack Sucks
Science has reported that the Oregon snowpack is sitting at about 54 percent less than the norm. The only positive spin on this is that we have yet to see too many awful Portland drivers going sideways down OR-26, or stuck on the downtown bridges tweeting about how they’re having to pee in their Starbucks cups while their partner calls Dominos to see if they’re doing that drone pizza delivery thing yet.

The Oregonian’s “2017 Newsmakers of the Year” Award
It went to Rick Best, Tiesin Namkai-Meche, and Micah Fletcher – all three of which stood up to a fascist bully piece of sh*t on the MAX back in May, and who were seriously injured in the process. Best and Namkai-Meche died from their injuries. Undoubtedly three Portlanders who will go down in history as the embodiment of everything great about that city, and we love them for it. As far as I’m concerned, they deserve a Nobel Peace Prize, an Oscar, and anything else gold that goes on a plaque or a stump of some kind. That said, “Newsmakers of the Year?” Really?

You guys, you totally made some f*ckin’ news. Good job.

I get that there’s a real history behind this award. Only, er… nevermind, it’s brand new this year. It used to be “Person of the Year,” but was changed because they sourced it from a reader poll that saw controversial Patriot Prayer, Joey Gibson leading the pack. Sure, he was in the lead because he got a bunch of his nutbaggers from across the country to pile on, but… ugh. They attempted to explain away the decision back on the 14th with an article called We’ve gotten lots of feedback on ‘person of the year’; here’s our response. While I get what they’re saying, they made a dumb situation dumber.

Best, Namkai-Meche, and Fletcher – you’re not “Newsmakers.” You’re heroes. And though it doesn’t mean a lot, or really anything at all, I award the three of you the first annual “As the State Turns People Who Actually Matter Award.”

Oregon Chimes In the New Year + Resolutions and Stuff
Or at least Oregon did, a few days ago. You missed it, but that’s okay; nobody expects that much of you. You read this column in your spare time, after all. Accordingly, it’s a wonder you can even tie your shoes or wipe yourself off after a good, solid doo.

So let’s see. Trump is still President, the laws of thermodynamics are still in place, and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is still the best, most progressive show in the lineup. Big fan of Quark, and loved Dukat up until that Jadzia Dax nonsense. What else… some fireworks exploded, I drank a bunch of spruce gin, and several cats across the state ran and hid from various models of vacuum cleaner. Though maybe not Sammie. A big fat thanks to those idiots.

What’s my resolution? Glad you asked. It’s for some awesome stuff to happen so we have fewer As the State Turns editions that suck. Would love it if Art Robinson got back in the limelight, the lazy bastard. I’ll even take a wastewater spill or one of those “only in Oregon” crimes, like when that guy dressed up in an advanced forest camo suit and used it to evade police after robbing a rock museum. I’d prefer it if none of you committed hilarious crimes in order to spice up the news cycle, but definitely let us know if you see something we don’t!

As far as resolutions go, though, how about you write to and share your gnarliest? Stevie Beiswanger gets those emails first, so as far as I’m concerned you should do your worst. She’s been doing such a great job at the helm of this paper that I think she needs to be taken down a notch, and you’re just the motley group of weirdos to do it. I don’t think she wants to see a Goatse (I can’t warn you enough to not look that up) or anything, but get creative.

By Johnny Beaver