As the State Turns

Finally, a Sports Update Worth Reading
There was a football game last Sunday between the University of Oregon Ducks and the Portland State University Vikings. I attend Portland State University and this is the first I’m hearing of us having a team. And yet, the Ducks still might not even know, because they literally trampled them like your sister’s cabbage patch dolls on Saturday morning. The final score? 62 – 14. And rumor has it, 7 of those points were actually scored during halftime when the Ducks weren’t even on the field.

Honestly, let’s look at this for a second. PSU is a downtown college, so where the hell do the Vikings practice? I’d guess in the street, but you’d think they’d be hardened from dodging all of those abandoned diapers and Proud Boys (there’s a fine line).

Oh well. PSU has the much better Masters of Fine Arts Program. #booyakasha #inyourface #eatmydoo. Not that I’d really know—I go to the school of business. We get all the new buildings and sh*t. #booyakasha #inyourface #eatmydoo.

PS: Portland’s homeless problem definitely extends to the Vikings. Read about it by searching “Oregon Ducks got what they needed, but Portland State remains $49.6 million short” on Oregonlive.com

Burgerville Wants Employees to Wear Zero Pieces of Flair
Yep, you heard that right. Burgerville is apparently the anti-Chotchkie’s. Long story short, a bunch of Burgerville employees started wearing “Abolish ICE” pins, and the Burgerville leadership was like “No.” They said “Yes,” and then Burgerville said “Fine. We’re banning flair outright.” This seems to have stemmed from some serious right-wing butthurt over the pins, to which leadership promptly bent over and grabbed their ankles. Complicating the matter, Burgerville is currently in contract negotiations with its worker union, who are, of course, pissed off about the flair decision.

Some workers were even sent home last month from the PDX Glisan location as a result of their flair, but have since returned to work, flair intact, and have received back pay.

While policies that prevent workers from angering right-wing snowflakes are super common (for obvious reasons), it seems as if the dutiful Burgerville workers have decided to take sides. Well, I say good for them. And not just because I agree with them, but because… well, no that’s pretty much it.

This should be a fun one to watch play out.

Possible Bad Guys With Guns Shoot Up Portland Neighborhoods
If you heard shots last week in the Old Town, Lloyd, and Portsmouth neighborhoods of Portland, that’s because some crazy f*ckers were shooting guns. The cops didn’t find any injured persons, or suspects for that matter, which seems like a glass-half-empty, glass-half-full kind of scenario.

In all fairness though, it could have been a situation where some good guys had to chase off some bad guys. Or maybe some neutral guys were mistaken for some bad guys, but the good guys realized their mistake halfway through and they all went out for pancakes.

I gotta tell you though, guns seem kind of…stupid. If you get hit with one of those bullets, you could lose the rest of your existence, and along with it, all of your memories of the time you’ve already existed. That’s pretty f*cked up. It’s like being unborned. Which is now a word.

Also, why the hell aren’t cars made of soft rubber?

Crime Culture, Portland Style

• Police popped a cap in some guy wielding a knife near a Beaverton High School. As of the time this is being written no real details have emerged, but the event appears to have gone down as the guy tried to hide near a BottleDrop. He was still alive when he made it to the hospital. An article online spent ¼ of its wordcount talking about how locals were annoyed that the BottleDrop smelled.

• Luis E. Trybom of Portland was just sentenced to 20 years in the clink for sexual abuse / taking nude photos of teenage girls under his watch as a soccer coach. Better buckle up bro, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

• A slippery devil by the name of Marcos Jaimes-Radilla was nabbed by the cops after several weeks of looking. His car thief skills are apparently better than his “not being seen at a popular PDX hotel” skills.

• Some kind of crazy child porn blackmail scheme uncovered a couple of years ago finally came to a head. It goes like this: an Oregonian man’s computer was hacked and then was extorted over a bunch of child porn the hacker found on it. The hacker, named Andre Eugene Shaw, got him to fork over $1,000 a month for well over a year—in addition to forcing the unnamed Oregonian to give him his daughter with full knowledge that she was to be sexually abused and photographed. Shaw did this to several other people, two of which killed themselves as a result. As for Shaw’s sentence? A whopping five years and some change.

I don’t even know what the hell to say about any of this. I’ll see you next week.

As the State Turns is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

 

By Sam Campbell