As the State Turns: Puppy Stranglers, Crab Smugglers and More

Fast Times at Puppy Stranglin’ High
Hearing about an animal being abused in Oregon is like hearing about, like, a thing that happens all the time. Because it’s 6 a.m. and I’m all out of simile. Hell, hearing about an animal being abused anywhere is hardly a surprise, considering we factory farm the things and turn them into Chef Boyardee. Less a statement on the morality of meat consumption, and more an argument on humankind’s inherent ability to abuse something if the mere opportunity exists; sometimes we’re driven to this topic through extraordinary circumstances. In this case, we have one Meagan Lafftery, a 44-year-old lady of Salem that strangled her neighbor’s puppy one day while chanting something about being God and ending its misery.

Alrighty then.

This was back in January, and after her day in court (and unsurprisingly a psychological evaluation that found her unable to do the “I’m of sound mind, in court, defending myself” thing), she was just slapped with a year in prison for harassment, and another two and some change for the puppy stranglin’ itself.

Whether she’s going to get mental health assistance in prison, I can’t say. What percentage of the crime occurred because she was a sack of sh*t, and which portion was due to mental illness, I also can’t say. But it doesn’t matter a whole hell of a lot, because this is how we treat our mentally ill, regardless.

OSU to Possibly Get Medieval on Racist Buildings
Last Thursday, Oregon State University President Ed Ray released a statement to the community. Let me paraphrase:

“Here ye, here ye, [additional official heralding here]. Remember those racist buildings? The ‘hey hey, ho ho, those racist buildings have got to go’ buildings? Those. We said last year we’d evaluate the names, and we have. But there’s more evaluating to do, and we’ll be doing that via community meetings and stuff. We will be holding sessions, open to you… and you, and you and you and you… on Sept 28, and then again on October 2. Can I get a hell yeah?”

No word on whether or not the crowd gave him the requested “Hell Yeah.” However, Ray added that a decision will come on November 27.

As for the racist buildings themselves: Avery Lodge was named after a slavery-happy newspaper, Gil Coliseum got its namesake from a sports coach who was against racial integration of the team, Arnold Dining Hall, which was named after a Confederate soldier, and last but not least, Benton Hall. Totally named after a white supremacist. And not even a good one. Because there aren’t any good ones.

Other buildings on campus couldn’t be reached for comment, though the ghost that lives in Fairbanks Hall’s fourth floor did chase me down the street wailing “get the hell out of here, you’ve graduated. Stop coming back!”

Seriously, I’m trying not to, Gertrude. I’m trying.

Oregon DEQ Waits it Out on E.E. Wilson
Ever heard of the E.E. Wilson Wildlife Area? Me neither, but that isn’t stopping it from having been screwed over by a tanker truck crash back in July. Somewhere between 3,000 and 3,500 gallons of sweet, slurpalicious golden gasoline (and another 1,500 of diesel) went splooting out into a ditch. After cleanup efforts, the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality has decided that they’ve got to just let things dissipate naturally.

Efforts have been made (i.e. Big holes have been dug) to prevent things from spreading further, but it looks like wells in the area will need monitoring for at least a handful of years. The spill wound up affecting two acres.

There is a bright side to the whole thing, though. No idea what it is, but I’ve got faith.

Justice is a Crab Best Served Cold
As you may know, I’m not a fan of crustaceans. While I may never see my dream of having them all launched into space realized, at least in this case some turd was arrested for smuggling several hundred of them after he got stopped in Salem. Apparently, the crabs he was caught with were too many in the female department, and too tiny in the male department (bazinga). But ew, who cares.

::shivers:: …being alone in a car with those things.

While the last story had no apparent bright side, this one does: the nasty critters were donated to the Union Gospel Mission, where they undoubtedly met a horribly cruel fate consisting of boiling water and digestive processes that will turn them into poop. Take that, crabs.

By Johnny Beaver