Real Talk Roomate Contract

Dear [insert new random roommate’s name here], 

I, [sloppily handwrite your name here], vow to: 

Never have sex on our shared furniture [   ] 

Never lock you out of the room without warning [   ] 

Figure out when the next fire drill is so we can conveniently be at the dining hall [  ] 

Never write you passive-aggressive notes (if I can’t say it to your face, I won’t say it at all) [   ] 

Always invite you to parties I hold in our room, and prepare an exit strategy for facing the RA [   ] 

Restock the snacks when I have a bad day and eat all of those cookies that you love – it happens [  ] 

Put back that new book or magazine on your bed if I sneak a peek and read it when you’re gone [  ] 

Turn off my alarm so it doesn’t ring for half an hour on my locked phone [  ] 

Never spoil that show that we’re both watching if you haven’t had a chance to watch it yet [  ] 

Only covet your care package from afar, and not actually take anything from it unless you offer [  ] 

If I borrow something from your closet, always wash it and never ruin it with that crappy boxed wine you love [  ] 

Never snoop through your letters when I pick them up from the mailbox you don’t know how to unlock [  ] 

Offer to share anything alcoholic I may drink in our room, if we get punished for it being in our room we might as well enjoy it, am I right? [  ] 

Always keep our room relatively clean (and by that I mean just don’t let fruit flies and mold grow in our mini-fridge) – let’s strive for messy, but not gross, and attempt to clean every couple weeks when it gets unbearable [  ] 

If I invite friend(s) over, I promise to introduce you to them as the cool roommate even if you look like a slob that day [  ] 

If I have an overnight guest, I promise I will tell them to not awkwardly be shirtless or pantsless around the room while you’re there [  ] 

I will try to not lock myself out of the room after 10 p.m. (or at least limit it to a few times per term) and call you freaking out [  ] 

I promise even if I stay up ridiculously late that I’ll be quiet when I do go to bed (or at least get you a coffee the next morning if I’m not) [  ] 

Help you into your bed if you’ve had too much jungle juice, and make sure the RA doesn’t see you [  ] 

Let you play the horrible music you like without headphones on sometimes, if you let me do the same [  ] 

Try to be the best roommate I can be (except during midterms and finals weeks when I can’t be held accountable for my bad behavior) [  ] 

In the case of a violation of this contract or a disagreement we will probably give each other the silent treatment for no reason for about a week and then go to our RA separately until they help us adult [  ] 


[Your Name Here]

By Madeline Frisk