Linn Benton Backwash: Taking Back the Town, Proper Congratulations, and Silly Thievery

Graduation is upon us, and with both OSU and LBCC in the area, there are a few things we better get used to: fewer total dorks randomly talking about ancient Macedonia downtown (like it’s some kind of recent discovery), a huge dip in the fidget spinner and yoga pants market, significantly less noise, an increase in available parking, and more space at the Handle Bar counter on Monroe—which is great, because they should have a new menu out by now and the spicy tequila sunrise is killer. Just sayin’.

Also, a big congratulations to Johnny Beaver for receiving an Outstanding Senior Award for the College of Liberal Arts graduating class. He’s always wanted to congratulate himself in public using the third person perspective. Two dreams just came true.

In a sad attempt to match the thievery skills employed at the Lebanon Walmart, Albany’s Nicolas Ray Hurst was busted trying to take a bicycle and a beer from the Albany location. It’s like duh, you’re supposed to leave the bike, take twice the amount of beer, then run outside and jump over the barricade into the field. Cops can’t find you in tall grass. Everybody knows that.

Big news out of Lebanon: Incoming kindergartners will be able to do somethin’ or other with their enrollment early, based on something. It’s basically a modification to the birthday cutoff rule, which routinely screws over kids all around the country each year. Whether they’re screwed over because they got in, or because they didn’t, depends on the school I suppose.

Lebanon Log, Special Edition: Some guy robbed Chase Bank on June 6 wearing what appears to be a cross between a fireman’s coat and a pervert’s flasher cloak, as well as a hat inspired by both Tony Montana and Dick Tracy. His stripe of chin hair makes him look like he should’ve played somebody’s dad in a Papa Roach video. If you see him, please giggle and call the cops.

By Johnny Beaver