Black Friday came and went in our quaint, twin-valley region without any major disastrous events; unless you count the utter clusterf*ck that is Fred Meyer’s parking lot. Corvallisites clamored about downtown in search of asparagus water (it’s a thing), insanely overpriced bottles of limited edition Rogue beers (buy Mazama instead), and the latest models of gluten-free, cage-less lightbulbs. Just around the bend, Philomathites bought nearly every item from all three of their stores, causing a food shortage and widespread panic. At the same time, Albanians and Lebanonites spent their day fighting over control of the meth trade, because that’s the running gag I’m going with. There are some other towns in the area, but nobody cares.
So, there’s a foot race called “Gobbler’s Revenge,” and…okay. The logo is a turkey wielding a cleaver, and it looks pissed off. Not like, Napalm Death pissed off, but genuinely angry. I suppose the idea here is that the 13 mile trek is really tough, so the turkeys are getting their just desserts. Ignoring the fact that this concept is the kind of monumentally stupid thing someone who sees animals as inanimate objects would come up with (no offense, homies), it looks like a lot of fun. 500-ish people turned out this year to run their little patooties off and help raise funds for… for… for something. Apparently those kinds of details don’t matter.
Over in Lebanon a couple of hooligans and their contractor were fined last week for thousands of dollars (think hundreds, but like, several clusters of tens of those). The plan was to get this unlicensed dude to conduct an “asbestos abatement” on their building, which frankly doesn’t even sound like a real thing. But I guess the whole thing was botched, go figure, and the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality dropped the hammer. When asbestos is improperly handled, it can go into the air and kill the crap out of you. That’s why Kraft Heinz stopped putting it in Lunchables in like 1996.
By Johnny Beaver