An Albany business is set to appear on Shark Tank, but I don’t know what that is because I don’t watch TV. If it makes you feel any better, I still think the most interesting aspect of local media lies in the mugshot reels. There’s nothing quite like sitting on the toilet and examining other people’s misfortunes.
Just down the road in Lebanon, a fire catastrophically obliterated famed Lebanon mini-mart C&C, (just off Santiam highway, near the trees). The cause appears to be electrical. Accordingly, local law enforcement has promised to fully question any passing thunderstorm. Zing!
Sports Update: Corvallis High School walloped / vamboozled / other verb’d Lebanon for the bronze in state volleyball. I can’t remember if I knew these schools had volleyball teams or not, but they both did really well and are around here, so, gimme one of those foam fingers and triangle banners. Do those still exist? In another athletic zone, South Albany did a win against Crater, but Central Point still walked away with a cooler mascot by a factor of 9,000. Hey, don’t look at me like that. I signed the petition. It’s just that comets are sparkly and fly in space, while rebels… you know… the civil war, slavery, etc. Not the team’s fault, they kick as*.
Local Weather Shocker! Wind, rain, clouds. Until March. Also related, because water… Lebanon is having a public meeting somewhere at some time of the day to discuss elevated levels of uh… trihciyetcyleinine, and letheothyroxinaiconine. The Oregon Department of Environmental Quality said some stuff about it. Promises to be a real nail biter. The good news is that this will hopefully propel cleanup efforts so the people in affected areas who aren’t on city water won’t have to worry about giving birth to kids with three eyeballs (unless they’re into that sort of thing).
By Johnny Beaver