Linn-Benton Backwash

good old fashioned blob (bigger than The Blob, but less than an Exxon blob, let’s just say over 5 gallons) of oil spilled into the Willamette river last week in what has been reported as a deliberate act (see: some shenanigans with the valve). After local folkery spotted the oil in the river, it was traced back to Horton’s Auto where the aforementioned parenthetical shenanigannery was spotted. Hopefully this mystery will have been solved by the time you’re reading this, because that’s like ::counts::… a number of business days later, and I remember reading something about the first 48 hours of a crime. That, and this is kind of &*%@! up.

Just down the road in Albany, Chucheng Xiong was probably hanging out in a cell when all this went down, as he was caught last Wednesday impersonating an officer (a lovely little felony). So what did he do with the power, hit on some young ladies and wave his badge for the cool points? Pull someone over and then steal their car? Nope… he lied to his boss. Said he needed time off because he was with the sheriff’s department on his downtime and needed some free days for volunteer work over at the Albany PD. Wow, he went full on double cop and didn’t do anything cool with it. Trump’s America, I suppose.

On August 23, approximately 12:15 p.m., the Lebanon Police Department posted this to Facebook: “Found goats currently at LPD. Call 541-451-1751 to identify and claim.” People then began making “BAHHHH” puns, including the police department themselves, seemingly unaware that “BAHHHH” is a sheep thing. Sure, they’re similar, but not the same. Exhibit A: Exhibit B: There is no Exhibit B. In their defense, I did find the following paragraph on Yahoo! Answers:

“If the person listening had never heard a goat or a sheep before, they wouldn’t probably know the difference . . . if they’ve heard sheep before, then they would definitely know which was the sheep and which the goat, unless the sheep had been bottle-fed and raised with goats (which I did twice, with orphan sheep) and if raised with goats, the baby sheep (lamb) will grow up sounding very much like a goat.”

And now I just don’t care.

By Johnny Beaver