Walmart has offered to shelter Lebanon residents from this coming weekend’s Sky Fire by constructing a makeshift fortress of coolers, kayaks, bed sheets, and of course, about 700 rolls of premium tin foil. Free Randy “The Macho Man” Savage t-shirts for the first 50 people screaming “save yourselves!” It’s the least they could do, considering how much money they’ve pumped out of the town and into their corporate coffers.
Mystery Win: The Corvallis Knights out-balled another team the other day in a decisive 3 to 2 victory. Depending on how Jean-Luc Picard’s trial with Q goes, this may mean they’ll have the chance to go to the finals!
Are you one of the people tired of smelling all the hot asphalt along Highway 20 in Corvallis? You’re due to get a short reprieve during eclipse weekend, as workers won’t be out there doing whatever it is they do. And then you’ll only need to put up with it for a month or so, as it should be done partway through September. Also, total high five if the worst problem you’ve got is a smell and some construction noise! Achievement unlocked.
Good News / Bad News of the Week: Well, there was a little break in the obnoxiously warm weather. “Hallelujah!!!” seems an appropriate response (as in, I’m appropriating it). I had almost forgotten what an actual pair of pants felt like. Though now that I remember… meh. Nothing special. As for the bad news, I’m pretty sure the return of the giant house spider we talked about last week means an increase in opportunities to swallow them in our sleep. Woke up this morning after having dreamt about eating cereal, only to find that the crunch was still there. Also, I just used the last of my favorite yogurt, so that sucks.
By Johnny Beaver