Linn-Benton Backwash

Some guy attacked another guy with a machete in Philomath, striking him in the head. At this time details are sparse, though we hope both individuals involved get the help they need; though “help” may be defined quite differently between them.

For something fluffier, there was a thing called “Dog Fest,” and it happened. The good news is that it was more about vaccinations and important information rather than trying on tiny sweaters and jumping through hoops. That and nobody, as far as I can tell, showed up trying to do yoga with them.

Good news of the week: The Pride march in Albany (the first of its kind!) attracted a sizable crowd in support of common decency. It was marred with cliché protest chants, but I think we can overlook that infraction. And yes, that’s sarcasm. Because there are still people that think this column is completely literal.

Also, I’m excited to report that I found a reason to start reading the local daily again: this horrible syndicated advice column by Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post. It’s like someone purposefully created a soap box for the world’s most ridiculous first world problems. Despite having one of the worst days I’ve had in years, I just got done nearly choking on my muffin laughing. Note to self: end column and replace with unintentionally funny outsourced material. Other note to self: if I replace everything with syndicated work, I won’t have to do anything anymore.

The Lebanon Log: Over the last week… some geese crapped on a stoop, kids were seen up on the roof of a local school doing God knows what (probably smoking the drugs), industrial cutters were used to steal a roll of toilet paper from a locked cabinet, a few boxes of sh*tty beer were stolen from the grocery store, and a lot of other stuff was stolen. Also, there’s wasps everywhere. Seriously, what the hell?

By Johnny Beaver