Linn-Benton Backwash

Body cameras sound like a good idea, but apparently they’ve been getting local law enforcement down. The Gazette Times reported on some of the pitfalls, but missed a few important ones. Namely, “bunching.”

“Now everyone knows when I’ve got to adjust myself,” says one local cop under condition of anonymity. “You ever get into one of these outfits? The damn things are tight. What am I supposed to do, just let things get all folded up?”

The officer went on to explain how unwanted folding could impede a chase on foot. A single, silver tear dropped from one eye. I offered him baby powder and gave him my blessings.

In sports, it turns out the Beavers clinched a “Pac-12” and didn’t even get arrested for it. Go beavs!

Also probably in sports, last Friday a young man was found taking a leak in some guy’s bathroom off of Northwest Arthur Circle in Corvallis. The owner of the home scared him, apparently, and the guy took off running without his belongings – and by belongings, I mean his pants and wallet. And socks, and shoes. And dignity.

The Albany Carousel project has finally got their drive pole, wowza! It took them 12 years and over five and a half million dollars to do this (not to mention hundreds of thousands of volunteer hours). No judgments. I’m sure it’ll be beautiful once complete. I’m also sure it’ll revitalize downtown Albany in a way that music venues, pot shop, breweries, and cultural centers never could. That last one was sarcasm.

The Lebanon Log: Everything before May 9 was just too good to report. On May 9 itself, someone’s neighbor was turned in for tossing dog sh*t over the fence. Later that afternoon, two horses were spotted in the road — and just a bit later even, someone reported deceased animals being dumped in the street. Were they the same animals? The world may never know.

By Johnny Beaver