Linn-Benton Backwash

Okay, I get it: Jackson County isn’t anywhere near here. However, Mr. Joshua Brian Wolton, who was arrested last week on charges of indecency, disorderly conduct, menacing (my favorite), and sexual assault of an animal… well, let’s make him an honorary citizen of Linn County, shall we? The 27-year-old who apparently really likes chickens was also busted for meth possession. This turned out to be a parole violation. And why was he on parole? Let’s seriously not even go there.

Apparently there was a huge geocaching event in Benton County the other day, but nobody invited me. You know, people around here are awful. You bury one turd in a Masters of the Universe lunchbox and boom, you’re no longer part of the club.

Last week in Corvallis some HP computers were stolen off a porch by some thieves with a fetish for having terrible tech support experiences. Sure guys, send that laptop back with the case screws floating around inside the &%@! case. And by all means, let’s not reconnect the ribbon cable going from the screen to the main board.

Calapooia Middle School in Albany recently experienced a garbage can fire, which as you know, is my favorite kind. No, I didn’t do it.

The really big news last week, however, was the “severe thunderstorm” we had in the area. There was a grand total of four lightning strikes, prompting laughter from Texas, Florida, and Oklahoma. Ironically, these are the three states that most other states laugh at in general.

By Johnny Beaver