Linn-Benton Backwash

linnbentonbackwash1If you live in Linn or Benton counties, cover your noise, avert your eyes, and sew your mouth shut – the flu is going around, and it’s making people poop and puke all over the place. All of this is true for other counties as well, but who cares about them?

Some stray dogs went all batsh*t on a small flock of chickens in Monroe. That’s all there is to that, I just thought you’d like to know about it. Also, it rained a lot the other day, which resulted in a bunch of really deep puddles. My socks got wet walking to school and I was all pissed off and stuff about that.

I’ve decided to rename the top four most wanted criminals in Albany to “Bazooka Joe,” “One-Armed Willy,” “Eric Cartman,” and “Some Guy with a Hat That Seriously Has No Other Amusing Features.” I realize you can’t see them right now, but I think that’s okay. Use your imagination. Speaking of Albany, the funny headline of the week goes to the Democrat-Herald for “Crash snarls traffic in northbound lane of I-5,” which features a totally bizarre use of the word “snarls.”

Lebanon has decided not to go forward with becoming a Blue Zones Project Demonstration Community. (It’s not worth explaining what this is again. See last week’s “Backwash.”) In its place is the Live Longer Lebanon Committee, which will be working very hard to prolong everyone’s misery.

To the man wearing a truly massive dreamcatcher around his neck in the Lebanon Walmart: are you aware that you might be appropriating Native American culture in an offensive way? I recommend switching to a big chain, or perhaps an old school alarm clock, à la Flavor Flav.

By Johnny Beaver