Linn-Benton Backwash

linnbentonbackwash1As you may know by now, one of my favorite things on Earth are the polling ads on the Gazette-Times website. This morning’s offering, which is New Year’s themed, says, “Have you experienced any of the following major life events in the past six months?” It then gives me six pictures, as follows: 1. A modern football team helmet design of a jellyfish; 2. A poorly designed robot; 3. Some dude (or lady) looking intensely at Internet porn; 4. A pair of handcuffs, sans chain; 5. An Art Deco ‘Up’ arrow; and 6. A butt plug. There’s a key at the bottom that explains this Rorschach test, but I prefer leaving the mystery intact.

Local sports news as told by local media: Local team that wishes to win a lot seeks to beat other teams that may, instead, win. And this is why we don’t cover sports all that often at The Advocate: these folks have got it covered.

For years now, Albany has had a problem with evil towing companies who literally break the law in order to siphon thousands of dollars from people who are not illegally parked. Apparently the mayor has had enough, vowing action and all that. Get ‘em, ripper! Meanwhile, I’ll just not park there.

Lebanon Neighborhood Watch: Now, stealing a shopping cart I’ve seen. Kids do it, adults do it… it’s a right of passage. You can ride in ‘em, store stuff in ‘em, put one in your frat house, and, well, ride in it or store stuff in it. However, yesterday around 5 p.m. I spotted a man pushing a row of about 10 of them across Main Street. They clearly belonged to Safeway, and he was clearly not some sort of specialist who takes shopping carts across streets and then returns them. You know, for… eh, I can’t even come up with a good bullsh*t reason. I suppose this guy was just going for the gold, so to speak. Be all you can be. #YOLO, etc. Good job, sir.

By Johnny Beaver