Linn-Benton Backwash

OSU Baseball seems to have won its 18,000th consecutive game, beating up some British dude named Stanford. No word yet as to whether Stanford will be pressing charges. It’s unlikely, because he’s a gentleman.

Many Corvallis residents are fuming because somebody let chickens in the dog and cat fashion show at a recent Heartland Humane Society event. Some were dressed as popular icons such as Han Solo and Superman. In the immortal words of Dominic Toretto, “You almost had me? You never had me. You never had your dog.” Yes, I’m aware that only barely works here. Deal with it.

THIS JUST IN: Unnamed local media just now learns about goat yoga, fails to discuss the danger of goats like total amateurs. Seriously, goats are dangers. Ever been head-butted by one? This is no laughing matter. These people may as well dive head-first into a wood chipper if they’re going to bend into a position of vulnerability around a bunch of goats.

The Lebanon Log: Lebanon had an interesting mid-March. On the 17th someone stole almost $20 worth of Mike’s Hard Lemonade from Walmart, and on the 19th two dogs were running around all willy-nilly and a woman was cited for my absolute favorite crime: “dog at large.” That same day a 12-year-old kid tried and failed to steal Pokemon cards from Walmart – maybe next time he’ll improve his skills and steal something that’s not totally lame. The 20th came and went with a turkeys-blocking-traffic jam and some guy arrested for meth, heroin, reckless driving, and “eluding on foot,” or as we plebeians call it, runnin’. On the 22nd the turkeys were back, trying to invade an oil change business until chased off by the fuzz. And on the 23rd? Some guy crashes a semi-truck into a pole, backs up, and tries to get away like nobody saw it. Pro tip: they did see it.

By Johnny Beaver

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