Linn-Benton Backwash

Santa Claus crept like an inverted thief into Corvallis homes over the weekend and left a bunch of toys that were far superior to the toys left for kids in poor areas of the state. Though, it all evened out in the end because Art Robinson crept into some Corvallis homes as well, and left some of his homebrew cheeses in peoples’ air conditioning vents and under their sofas. He also licked a lot of your feet, so you might want to pour some isopropyl alcohol in a bucket and give them a serious soaking.

During his Lebanon string of visits, Santa stopped in Wal Mart to shoplift a case of Coors and some vacuum bags.

Before all of that went down though, Corvallisites, Albanians, Philomathers, Lebanonites, and some other people in the surrounding areas spent their evenings cruising around looking at lights stapled to houses. As miserable as that sounds, I suppose it isn’t as miserable as spending your holiday as Andrew Bullock. Said Corvallisite plead guilty last week to a number of different sex-crime charges stemming from several incidents over the last year involving a minor.

On second thought, that whole lights thing sounds really &^#@! boring. It sounds like watching paint dry, only the paint is already dry and has a string of lights draped over it. Don’t you people have Netflix? Sudoku? Some toenails to clip?

In other news, the famed Bi-Mart Willamette Country Music Festival has announced their intention to stay in Brownsville for yet another year before moving to another town nobody cares about. Not super exciting, but at least it isn’t a local sports update. Consider this my Christmas gift to you.

By Johnny Beaver