Hooray! Giant House Spiders Return

They’re back. Well, they were always here, but at least we didn’t have to see them. Around this time every year, giant house spiders come out from behind bookshelves and beds to roam the houses of innocent people. 

These huge, horrible things live up to their name – they are big and they are athletic. They mainly walk living room floors at night hoping to bump into one another, and that this will somehow end with them having sex.

They are not a native species, so perhaps taking their lives is somewhat justified. They were brought over from Europe, but do they deserve to die for that? Sure, we have a lot of baggage when it comes to outsiders like this; they look scary to some of us, but should we follow our fear to drastic action? After all, many of us come from Europe too.

If you do choose to use force, make sure you go all the way. Do it decisively and quick – a rolled up copy of The Advocate will do nicely. Do it hard, because the last thing you want is some wounded monstrosity making it behind the couch to recover and plot its nocturnal revenge.

Some people do the whole catch and release thing. Good for them, but I say that these things aren’t from here and have no right to be here, so kill them all…or build a wall and make them pay for it.

By Scott Bittner