As There State Turns

stateturnssymbolState Budgeteers Gettin’ Busy
First of all, I’d like to say that I’m very proud of this headline. Please, if you see anyone using the word “budgeteers” in the future, file a lawsuit on my behalf. I want what’s mine and I don’t care who I’ve got to trample to get it. Wait a second, who does that sound like?

Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls… budget time is here. Oregon is on the rise in terms of both cash flow and costs, whee! It looks like we’re set to fall pretty well short unless the money wizards pull some sort of shenanigan, like a good old-fashioned panty raid. Or cuts to government programs… could be that, too.

Because these faceless, nameless people (my fault… as I noted in Backwash, it’s a lazy day) are champions for the people, last Friday they made their first appearance in a series of seven public thingamajigs that will allow for human suggestion as far as how to deal with the budget. They’re not asking for input from the 3.97 million citizens of Oregon because they’re totally panicking and have no idea what to do, of course.

Ron Wyden Does His Thing
Speaking to a stuffed sardine can of Oregon humans at Linn-Benton Community College, Senator Wyden recently said a bunch of cool stuff that made a lot of people think, “Hey, I like this guy. And not just because he’s the only dude in government that understands the Internet.” The Albany mayor, what’s-her-face, said it was the bigliest meeting of its kind in the history of all of Albany.

Some of Wyden’s comments went sort of like this:

“I will make sure Trump’s relationship with Russia is exposed.”

“[insert something really smart sounding here]”

“Will someone please shut that lady up? Yeah, the one that keeps shouting, ‘Impeachment!’ I told a joke to calm her shorts but it isn’t working.”

Landlords Getting the Boot
Not really, but the headline works. So here’s the deal: PDX’s integrous city council put their foot where the sun don’t shine in relation to landlords that have been kicking out residents with no good reason. Their ruling now requires said landlords to pay a fee to tenants they forced to relocate. They’ve also got to pay a fee if they raise the rent more than 10 percent.

So how much do they have to fork over to unwilling nomads? Between $2,900 and $4,500, which is designed to cover moving costs, a security deposit, and first and last month’s rent. And that’s how you stick it to the man, folks. Right in the fruit ‘n’ veggies.

The Super Bowl Happened
One of the teams playing won the game, which a lot of people missed out on due to bathroom breaks. What, take them during commercials? Hell no, that’s the best part. I don’t know about you, but I wait all year to have stuff sold to me in clever ways. I dream at night of one day being one of those journalists that gets to write all about it. I guess until then I just have to keep on spinning total nonsense for my own amusement.

Columbia County Goes the Way of the Dodo
Apparently on Jan. 15 there was a 911 call in which a sheriff’s deputy used the term “speed bump” to describe a drunk guy lying in the street (in freezing weather), and also called the local Clatskanie Fire Department “dodos.” The man in the street later turned out to be the victim of an assault, so that’s awesome.

Despite the fact that this jacka*s is responsible for helping people during emergencies, I think it’s okay to laugh. And not just because I usually think it’s okay to laugh. That said, all sorts of stuff is now “under review,” which is no surprise considering allegations of everything from racism to “sextortion” have been dropped on the tiny town’s police department over the last few years.

Maybe we shouldn’t laugh, after all.

Got a Little Rattlin’ in Your Ear?
We’ve all seen the story circulating on Facebook, but did you know it happened in Oregon? Well, now you do, at least. Even if you knew it before. Primarily because I just told you. So yeah, this teenager from Portland had her pet python crawl into the hole in her earlobe. I’ll leave you with a quote that tells the story better than I ever could:

“I was holding my #SNAKE and his #DUMB ASS saw a hole, which just so happened to be my fuckin #EARLOBE, and thought that it would be a bright idea to #ATTEMPT to make it through…” –Ashley Glawe

By Johnny Beaver