As the State Turns

Democrats Ask Government Not to Do a Thing
You may or may not be aware, but just the other day our magical, all-knowing United States Department of Irony (Justice) reached out to 28 counties and other such thingies to say roughly this:

“Hello there, DOJ speaking. I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that Donald Trump has yet to discover SnapChat. The bad news? You’re in violation of 8 USC 1373, which basically says that you have to share all of your illegal immigrant info with us, and that you can’t use your judicial powers to pass legislation that says you can’t do the thing I just said… times infinity plus one on top of whatever you say, no takesies-backsies. Because you’re going against the thing I said, we’re going to not pay you all sorts of federal grant money, which will totally eff your Qi.”

The actual DOJ message was less eloquent, but I embellished on their behalf. Clearly they need the extra help. That, and they need a new boss, because the current one is an S-Class Dildo.

Anyhow, a joint task force of Oregon Democrats have responded, and it goes a little something like this:

“No, don’t. #becausecivilrightsyoutw*ts”

Of course, there was some other stuff in there about beneficial programs getting the axe, etc. but you’re not interested in that bit. What happens next is anyone’s guess, though an ongoing slew of legal battles is a sure thing. Oregon already has a law on the books that strategically restricts police from performing windmill high fives and other friendly maneuvers with federales who are hunting down people for the sole crime of illegal border crossing.

The funniest part of the letter (somehow I left it out earlier…) is where Assistant Attorney General Alan Hanson goes “Uh, by the way, I need you to like… explain to me in what way you’re not violating the law I said you’re violating. You have until December.”

As we approach the holiday season, we here at The Corvallis Advocate ask that you keep our poor, misguided Department of Justice in your heart. That, and if you buy it shoes for Xmas, be sure to go with Velcro or slip-ons to minimize the learning curve.

PDX Pioneer Designer Dies + Unexpected Tangent
You may not know J. Douglas Macy, but you likely know his work. He designed the Pioneer Square… square area in Portland, as well as some other stuff that’s IMHO way cooler, like the Vietnam Veterans of Oregon Memorial. However, we’re not here to talk about his achievements, we’re here to talk about the damn train schedule. What the f*ck dude, I’m standing outside Pioneer Square for like 22 minutes, a train rolls up headed to 185th or whatever, it slows…. it stops… and click, Out of Service. Another 15 minutes until the next one, and it’s only going as far as the Beaverton TC. Look, I’ll deal with the man sleeping in his piss-pants. I’ll deal with the lady bottle feeding her stuffed dog (in a baby carriage, no less…). I’ll even deal with the elbow-throwing Ultimate Grin Face(tm) dude singing the theme song to Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood, and for that matter, the unattended preteen shouting “AWW HELL NAWWWW!!!!” because the train is really full. I just don’t want to stand out on the corner in the rain and cold while a yuppie lets his dog lick the water fountain spigot… for 40 *%@! minutes.

I’m begging you TriMet, honor Mr. Macy by scooping my as* up before I die from exposure. I’ve got to get home so I can keep pumping out these disastrous state-news jams.

Washington Clearly Favored By Navy
Seriously, why didn’t we get any sky penises?

We Construct Marvels Explodes Peoples’ Faces
Do yourself a favor and type in the following URL:

Yeah, it’s long, but I believe in you. Though this column doesn’t really track state news in terms of impact, or really any other rational unit of measure, let’s do it just this once. Go to these exhibits, especially the one that’s up now, WE. It’s important, and involves the illustrious, Bruce Burris of CEI Artworks, and a few fantastic Corvallis artists. I’ve got no space to write a well-deserved novel on what’s going on with this, but the short version is that the current collection of work, which was made by developmentally disabled artists, will rewire your brain and rewrite what you think of your own culture. Absolutely beautiful, ultimately human. A human flavored cake with human frosting, put together by caring, amazing folks. Rarer than the eclipse and certainly less ridiculous.

Would be worth the drive if it were on the moon.

By Johnny Beaver