As the State Turns

It’s All Fun And Games Until…
The FBI raids your cadaver lab. Yep, this happened in Gresham back on the first of this month. MedCure, as they’re called, juggles corpses for a living. That is to say, they act as a gore bank, helping to get bodies from their donated sources to the researchers, facilities, etc. that will be receiving them. Sounds like a noble cause, but then again, the FBI knocked at their door and seized a bunch of records. So… maybe not.

So far, MedCure seems to be “fully cooperating,” which as we all know is code for “nobody knows if they aren’t actually fully cooperating.” Maybe I’ve just seen too much CSPAN.

Anywho, MedCure has stated that they have over 80,000 donors on the books, which is kind of a sh*tload of zombies if anything goes wrong with a secret government chemical plant somewhere. Just do yourself a favor and don’t live anywhere near 18111 NE Sandy Blvd, Portland, OR 97230, as you’ll be among the first to go.

Though, it is currently illegal to make any money off of organs and stuff that are being used for transplants, most states allow donated bodies or their parts to be sold if the destination includes education or research.

I’ve always hoped to put a kid through college one day… just not like that.

Columbia to Exit Downtown Portland Over Safety Issues?
Though the sportswear they hock is often worn by people in danger of receiving head injuries, balls to the gonads, elbows to the eye sockets, etc., the danger we’re talking about here is criminal in nature. Just last November, Columbia opened up new downtown offices and relocated nearly 50 employees. 

Everyone was really excited and all that crap. However, it didn’t take long for the trouble to start. Aggressive transients, robberies, car break-ins, people pooping on the doorstep (not even kidding)… it has all been a bit much for the hip Oregonian clothiers. One employee reported that their life was even threatened at one point. Oh PDX. When we asked you to keep it weird, we totally didn’t mean to sh*t your pants and threaten people.

Anyone familiar with downtown Portland realizes that seeing a crazy person with their pants around their ankles run down the street screaming, is just part of the deal (this seriously happened to me the other day). However, nobody should have to put up with all the bullsh*t harassment that goes on, let alone turds on their doorstep. Come on, people.

Whether Columbia moves just a year after putting down roots will depend on any possible solutions they may come up with over the next 90 days. I’m sure you’ll all be waiting with bated breath because wow, talk about exciting.

Or not.

Multnomah County Offloads Maligned Jail
The Wapato Detention Facility of Multnomah County… nobody likes it. It’s almost 160,000 square feet of “oops,” in that county residents have been footing a $300,000-per-year bill for a while now, despite the fact that the facility isn’t even in use. Who’s the sucker that bought it? Kehoe Northwest Properties, LLC picked it up to the tune of $10.8 million. Good on them! Each of those dollars will be returned to the county in the form of 2,000 new support housing units, to be constructed over the next decade.

Not everyone is a fan of the sale, however (big surprise). Some residents had high hopes that the jail could be used as some kind of mega-shelter for the homeless. A single commissioner, Loretta Smith, voted against the sale in regards to this consideration.

This big, ugly jail was built on a bond approved by county voters in 1996. Things went screwy because nobody thought it’d be a good idea to plan for an operating budget.

Yakama Unhappy About Poop Spillage
Rightfully, the Yakama Nation are looking to Oregon officials for some accountability over two spills last month that splooged about 500,000 gallons of human waste into the Columbia River. We’re talking laundry water, torpedo-shaped fecal objects, and bladder liquid. The first spill had to do with an electrical failure, while the second was related to some kind of pump-calibration tomfoolery. Wtf folks, no backup systems? No safety nets?

Either way, somebody has some serious ‘splainin’ to do. The impact on the salmon population is expected to be tremendous, not to mention the fact that there are now human turds floating around in ancestral waters we’ve already been polluting for decades.

By Johnny Beaver