As the State Turns

I’m Fresh Out Of Vanilla Ice References
I apologize, but you got all I had to give last week. You’re just going to have to learn about how ICE, or the U.S. Department of Homeland Security Immigration and Customs Enforcement (USDHSICE), has been renting out Oregon jails despite Sanctuary law without a clever headline.

And now you know. The end.

But no, they’ve been doing this for two years, and it’s totally legal, Sanctuary or not. Contracts are currently held with the Josephine County Jail and Northern Oregon Regional Correctional Facilities. Long story short, people in the area don’t want to pay for the facilities to function, so said contracts come in handy. And while their legality isn’t in question, they’re certainly doing a pretty suspicious dance around what Oregon has demanded regarding the treatment of immigrants.

I won’t go into detail here, but there’s an excellent piece that can be found on the Oregon Public Broadcasting website via In the meantime, think about the fact that Saudia Arabia just granted citizenship to a &*%@! robot, while we’re screwing around with this nonsense.

No, I’m not joking about the robot.

Elephants Stepping on Pumpkins
Look, we both know it: people are easily amused. How do we know? Well, the Internet is obsessed with cats (still), people still watch mainstream television, and because I’m about to tell you about an annual event at the Oregon Zoo where elephants step on giant pumpkins.

Called the “Squishing of the Squash,” there’s a bunch of giant pumpkins… elephants step all over them for some reason, and… that’s about it. It acts as a sort of starting gun for a bunch of Halloween-related zoo stuff, like trick or treating outside of the Baboon cage as they give you death stares, or feeding your children to the cougars.

Out of an entire world of things elephants could be stepping on, pumpkins do probably rank near the top, so there’s that. Since you likely missed it, I recommend checking it out on YouTube. And when that bores you, look up videos of hippos taking dumps. You can thank me later.

Hiker Found in a Ditch
He was alive, though. After five days in the wilderness, Portland hiking enthusiast Nathan Mitchell was rescued in a drainage ditch somewhere out in Clackamas county. His feet took some damage, but thankfully he was otherwise doing alright. Having taken an unknown trail, and without warning anyone, Mitchell got lost, and at some point, became woefully separated from his backpack; the golden ark that contained all of his food and other supplies. Dayum.

Though we hear about this kind of thing all the time and shake our heads, thinking “what an idiot…” I’d like to give the guy a little credit. If I were lost in the woods for five days, I’d probably have thrown myself off a cliff out of boredom. That long without a chance to check email, see what new Snapchat filters have become available, or read about what Trump has been up to? Oh hell no. Not to mention that he likely missed an issue of The Corvallis Advocate, which, as you know, is like the best thing ever.

For lining bird cages.

The Mad Bomber of Rock Creek Rundown
When law enforcement officers attempted to detain Jason Schaefer during a traffic stop a few weeks back, he set off an explosive device. Yep, in his vehicle. Firsthand accounts suggest that it was a purposeful act, designed to kill both himself and surrounding officers, but the attempt was thankfully a feeble one. The result being the loss of some of Schaefer’s fingers, and a non-serious injury to a Sheriff’s detective. This was all set in motion when the FBI executed a search warrant on his sh*t, because the turd had been found buying up all sorts of explosive chemicals, matches, etc. All that good, crazy terrorist stuff.

While his motives haven’t been sorted out yet, it’s a good bet that he has a screw loose. Maybe it’s the look on his face in his mugshot, or that he sent a note to his doctor that said “I’m obliged to see your death”… or the fact that he was already on probation from a previous felony conviction for possession of body armor.

By all means though, let’s continue to not effectively invest in mental health research or infrastructure.

By Johnny Beaver