As the State Turns

Welcome to another fine edition of As the State Turns, ladies and germs. I’ll be your host with the most, Johnny Beaver. Today, we’ll be going on a journey of danger and intrigue. Philosophy and spirit. Cheetos and diarrhea. Crack pipes and HGTV. You will laugh, you will cry, and you will slowly realize that I just blew my word count up by 149 just by rambling, and nobody can do anything about it because this column is really popular over a surprisingly wide demographic. Especially with people who A. don’t like it because it’s dumb / libbural, and B. don’t like it because they don’t realize it’s not 100 percent serious (or even 15 percent serious).


Also, don’t do drugs, or touch things that are hot. Just a few safety tips inspired by KGW’s safety obsession. Serious for a second: what the hell is wrong with KGW?

Distracted Driving Law to Make Pokémon Go Way Harder
As you’re likely aware by now, on the first of the month a new law went into effect that says you can’t be holding an electronic device while driving. Lawmakers say they let this bill squeak by because it sucks when people run off the road and squash people and stuff.

Pokémon Go players have been the first to speak out, having very public meltdowns that “[we’ll] like, have to go to jail and stuff” just for trying to snag that illusive Mankey along I-5. In their defense, how the hell else are you going to get that sweet Mankey candy, wandering around on foot? 

Now, while Pokémon Go players are total losers and don’t deserve to have opinions, cool people are at risk here, too. I spent the last week in Portland and quickly realized that all the most fashionable folks like to talk on their speakerphone while physically holding their phones up to face. Unless you have the elastic band from your underwear, a roll of duct tape, or some industrial strength Velcro around, you might have to actually wait to make your call. Or just do it like the rest of us poor as*holes and put your phone in the cup holder.

Current estimates from my secret government contact say that repeat thing-holders can get hit with 6 months jail time and $2,500 in fines.

Nevada Kicked Our Ass, Man
During Washington’s first month with legal pot, they made $3.8 million. Oregon opened up a can and did $14 million. But Nevada? Nevada just sold $27.1 million worth of weed in their opening month. Aaaaaand… nobody cares. Next.

“Random” Killing in Ashland
Last Saturday a cook at Callahan’s Lodge in Ashland was shot and killed by California resident Neal Brian Norman, 50. Current descriptions of the event had Norman running out of gas and entering the lodge to use the phone, then returning to his vehicle, retrieving a gun, and going back into the building. After the killing Norman fled on foot, and as he reached I-5, he began shooting at the first vehicle he came across. The driver defended himself by running over Norman, who died at the scene.

At the time of writing no further details have been made available, though Norman’s family has noted that he had mental health issues.

Coincidentally, I just now got in to see a psychiatrist after a year on the wait list. You can’t help everybody, but the percentage of people that are getting help is pretty pathetic.

Oregon Department of Environmental Quality Just Got Served
With papers. Because they’re being sued by environmental outfits Northwest Environmental Defense Center, and Columbia Riverkeeper. The suit claims that the Clean Water Act was violated because crazy levels of storm water pollution uh… happened, and that said pollution could “f@#! up fish and peoples.” 

At some point more pollution than is allowed under the act occurred, and well, Bob’s your uncle. There’s something else about a 1200-Z Permit, but that’s starting to sound a lot like taxes, so let’s not go there (there being the details that are actually important of course).

The DEQ was just sued last March for having a pretty ridiculous backlog of outdated permits. Second worst in the nation for this sorta thing, behind Vermont. #achievementunlocked

Is That a Bird? Is That a Plane?
Nope, it’s a house. The nearly 140-year-old Morris Marks House took a trip last week as it was moved around downtown Portland. Bursting from the seams with Italianate glory (look it up, you lazy turd), it was… well, it was a house being moved down the street. It cost almost half a million dollars to do it. That’s pretty much the cool part of the story.

I heard someone was going to fix it up, but because of my paragraph one rambling, I’ve no longer got the word count to tell you about it. See how that works?

By Johnny Beaver