As the State Turns

Elite h@x0rs Target Oregon

The room is dark, a void cut up only by the whir of small fans and the occasional creak of a rolling chair with proper back support and ergonomic armrests, $299.99 on Four-star rating average. Not bad.

As your eyes begin to adjust, faint hints of body odor and Cheetos brand Cheetos enter your nose. There! In the corner! A green light, glowing from a small black box. Now a blue light a few feet away. Lights, lights everywhere… the room goes from black to a dull glow, not unlike that one time you were abducted by aliens and subsequently probed with a live chicken. Not unlike that at all.

Suddenly, more creaks. Eyes, eyes everywhere. Most of them bespectacled, draped over hideous, cragged faces. As the bodies all begin to turn towards your position, dim LED screens are revealed. The one on your immediate left displays To the right of it, XKCD. 

“Oh no…” flows from betwixt your lips, and you look closer. Chelsea Manning Tribute Band CDs. Guy Fawkes. An unopened swag box from, words spelled with numbers on Post-It notes, and a Big Bang Theory box set of Blu Ray discs. 

It was then that you knew… you were in the den of the super hackers. The very same super hackers that were just reported to Oregon by officials from the Department of Homeland Security. The Russian hackers (er… replace all the imagery I just gave you with vodka, Adidas track pants, and nesting dolls), that apparently tried to access out state voter information database during the last election cycle.

My Word.

And that’s just about all I could do to jazz that story up enough to make it worth reading about.

Washington Butts Into Our Toll Business
Early on this year you may remember a little As The State Turns blurb about a bill passing that opened the path towards adding toll roads here in the state. Because I’m sure you’re dying of suspense, here’s an update.

Long story short: Senator Patty Murray from Washington is a big wig when it comes to transit funding in our great country’s Congress (you know, that big, stinking partisan cesspool). She’s telling our governor that the city of Vancouver, as well as the Washington Department of Cars and Stuff, should have a say in what Portland does regarding freeway tolls. 

Jaime Herrera Beutler, a Republican representative from Washington, has also spoken up, citing fears that toll roads in Portland might come down on her constituents like a sack of bricks. Sorry Washington, but you’re our hat. You don’t tell us what to do, am I right?

Well, no. Murray also happens to double as the third in command of the Democrats in Congress, and sits on the Somethin’ Or Other Appropriations Committee, which is responsible for flinging out cash to the states like true-born pimps. Slo-mo, and fuzzy hats, and baby powder, and all that. 

So if we do move forward, it is likely that Brown will be all like, “Sure Patty, let me bring you up some Voodoo Donuts and we’ll take the boat out on the Sound, maybe discuss that new I-5 bridge over the Columbia.” 

The rich and /or fancy drive their boats on Sounds. Fact. Also, this is not an insult. I think Kate Brown is quite fancy, and she has my vote.

Still, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Oregon still has no idea how they’re going to proceed with the toll system itself. Hopefully they’ll go with some kind of IV bloodletting, because I’ve got less than no cash to spare.

Salem to Conquer Homelessness Like a Boss?
If you can’t outlaw the clowns, outlaw the face paint. That’s the logic being used by some folks in Salem as they try to outlaw “sitting on the sidewalk.” Yes, that’s a real thing.

You might remember Portland laughing a similarly obnoxious proposal out of existence a handful of years ago. But proponents of the anti-sitting law won’t let that, or pesky stuff like a public hearing (of which there will be none) slow them down. Hell no. It’s time to take out the trash. 

In addition to sitting, the language will also likely ban lying down, somersaults, handstands, crab-walking, and those Glamour Shots poses where you prop your chin up on your hand and grin like someone just kicked you in the anus.

And planking.

What’s impressive is that the city just unveiled a multi-million dollar rental aid program this past July, making this new move exactly as stupid as the aid program is not stupid. That’s like buying yourself a new pair of awesome jeans, just to turn around and spray your shirt all over with ketchup like a complete butthole.

In all fairness it likely won’t pass, but still. Shame on you.

By Johnny Beaver