As the State Turns

Despite Conspiracy Theories, This Is Mostly Just Funny
Because I still receive letters and encounter other evidence of satire-blind folks talking smack about me and/or this paper in relation to this column, I’m sure I have a lot of far-right conservative readers (you’re my favorite). That being said, before those in question start in on the conspiracy theories (Obama is a Pepsi rep, the moon is a satellite built by the Lizardmen, Donald Trump is actually competent, etc.), let me break this down for you:

Dummy Social Security numbers exist, and they’re not a secret. For example, when a teen needs some work on their downstairs conundrum, but don’t know their number and don’t want to involve parents, such a “dummy” number is used to get them enrolled. As it seems to be the case with the Oregon Health Authority, after a certain period of time they’re required to be signed up properly, but in the mean time they’ll get access to reproductive care. Not allowing this temporary fix would put many teens and others behind barriers that might prevent them from unplanned pregnancies, STDs, etc. Now, I realized that allowing anyone to jump any sort of red tape for their own well-being sounds cRaZy liberal, but hey, at least Benghazi or Hillary Clinton’s private email server aren’t involved. Am I right? Not one iota of demonic possession, House Hunters, or death panels were found to be involved. Clean, safe.

Moving on.

So what actually happened here is kind of hilarious, and I suppose on the fourth paragraph in I should probably get to explaining what it is we’re even talking about. It came out the other day that the Oregon Health Authority had been using one of these dummy Social Security numbers for a system not unlike what I described above, ContraceptiveCare (or CCare as the cool kids call it). No surprise. However, what was a surprise was that this dummy number actually belonged to somebody. I can imagine they asked for a receipt and got something like this:

1,047 Herpes Screenings

4,998 Birth Control Prescriptions

250 Light Pelvic Exams

447 Heavy Pelvic Exams

1,700 Pelvic Exams with The Works

1,776 Vasectomies

Alright, so clearly I’m not going to add that up, but apparently this number had been used for 9,487 different people. You’d think after that many vasectomies they’d just amputate the damn thing. Point being, the person that number belonged to must have had one hell of a surprise. Seriously, if any of you readers write fiction, for the love of all that is holy, write a novel based on a person that actually did have all of these procedures and exams done. I’ll preorder.

And hell, even throw in a Lizardman or two.

The Mosquitoes Are Coming
First off, let me say that as someone who lived in Florida for over a decade, I’m laughing at you. I’m laughing at me, too, because Florida sucks, but that’s besides the point.

Expert scientists and whatnot have declared a “perfect storm” for mosquitoes. Wet stuff, hot stuff… that’s about it, really. Doesn’t take much, it seems. Either way, some areas have been reporting elevated mosquito counts (who wants that job?), and folks think it’ll get buggier before it gets better.

This sad, useless bit of uninteresting news has been brought to you by The Corvallis Advocate.

Jeremy Christian, Man About Town
Jeremy Christian, that sad lump of warm garbage that murdered two men and seriously wounded another on the MAX in May, is now being investigated for another stabbing. This one stems from an incident earlier this year in January outside of the downtown Voodoo Doughnuts. Add that to another charge he was just hit with for harassing and assaulting an African-American woman the day before the MAX stabbings.

Two things seem clear here: he’s got obvious problems with mental illness, and he needs to be locked up pretty much forever. Granted, I felt the same way about some of the members of the Malheur turd-hole crew, but something tells me the legal outcome here won’t be favorable.

A Legal Victory for Dogs ‘n’ Kids
For something less sh*tty, last Wednesday the Oregon Senate passed a little piece of paper that says people are free to bust into cars if it means rescuing children or pets. While I’m sure this will lead to some incidents of windows being broken out over nothing, and possibly some fisticuffs, for the most part this is a pretty serious problem. I personally applaud this bit of legislation, and I’m sure you do, too. Even in mild weather the heat can really build up. Those who can’t remember to care for their pets or children, maliciously or not, will likely remember in the future when they look at their back window and realize they’ve had to replace it with Walmart shopping bags and duct tape.

Pro tip, though: Don’t use a brick. That sh*t will bounce off and get you right in the face.

By Johnny Beaver