As the State Turns

Trump Protesters Join the Fray
Lake Oswego is a wacky place. If it wasn’t before at least, it is now. Protesters took to the streets of said lake last Saturday, including a group of Trump supporters that could have actually filled a school bus – making this the largest gathering of Trumpers since the inauguration, which drew crowds in the tens of… no, just the tens.

Looking at photos from the day, there are big banners, small banners, signs with elephants on them, American flags, and at least one total doofus holding up an illustration of Donald Johnson Trump himself. I bet they felt really proud when Mr. T went on his obnoxious Twitter tirade over Obama’s very, very bigly attack on Trump Tower, what with the spying and all. I bet some of them even knew which segment of Fox News he was watching when he got the idea. What a total dipsh*t. Anyway.

The anti-Trump and pro-Trump groups clashed a bit, with some yelling and stuff of that sort, but nothing good. Stupid police… showing up and ruining the fun by protecting and serving.

It’s worth noting that Lake Oswegian… Lake Oswegan… whatever, some dude from the area named Kevin Kerwin was bounced from the area after spending his time during the protests posting obscenities and racist nonsense online. I wonder where he got that idea from? Anyway, he owns a crappy computer repair business (literally, customers hate it) that has a bunch of crazy sh*t in the window, including a sign that says, “To All Ignorant Liberals including Bruce Springsteen… The 4 People Who Kidnapped & Tortured a Disabled Teenager Just Because He Supports Donald Trump Just Shows Everyone You are a Party of Complete Morons I’m Embarrassed to Call You Americans Go Straight to Hell Where You Belong. We’ve had it With You Idiots.” Yes, I typed it exactly how he had it, aside from being center aligned. There is also a big shoutout to CNN – the “Comedy News Network.”

Kevin, if you’re reading this… switch to decaf.

It’s also worth noting that the Trump supporters were part of a nationwide event called March 4 Trump, which occurred totally on the fourth of the month. Damn, they’re a clever bunch.

Oregon GOPers Comment on the Crap Hole Gang
In Salem, a yearly conference for Republican homeboys just ended, having included some interesting talk on the Bundy posse. Mainly that they maybe took things a little too far. Some even commented that they probably shouldn’t have been packing heat, and even wondered if what they did was legal or not. And this, my dudes, is why people invented the term “ROLFCOPTER.” And if you don’t know that term, you likely weren’t cool, and didn’t spend 1999 glued to AOL Instant Messenger.

If this wasn’t funny enough, the group of conservatives voted on a resolution to criticize the Bundy Bunch over the whole thing, which only won 89 to 84. Here’s another term from the Internet: “WTF.” Since when is there a split on whether or not someone did the wrong thing after engaging in an armed takeover of a government facility, destroying it in the process, and terrorizing the locals?

I guess the answer to that question is 2016. Didn’t Nostradamus have something to say about the end of the world? I guess the Mayan apocalypse started four years late, and instead of ending in a bang, will look more like a slow, grinding halt full of tweets by an orange bag of skin that has clearly lost his mind alongside millions of his followers.

Dammit, I talked about Trump again.

Oregon Raises Finger to Federal Government
A bipartisan collection of Oregon lawmakers are in the process of sticking it to the federal government’s teasing of increased anti-marijuana enforcement. Oregon’s pot committee is responding to Sean Spicer’s whinnying by pushing new law-stuffs that will force marijuana businesses to obliterate any records that contain addresses, names, birthdates, etc. within 48 hours of collecting it. This, my friends, is what a middle finger looks like in legislative form.

Before you ask, “Well, why the hell would they think to keep this information in the first place?” I should tell you that they do keep it. They keep it real good. Some of these businesses log all sorts of details for marketing purposes, going so far as to track exact purchases for targeted advertising. Some other pot-friendly states have made this illegal already, so while I’m proud of Oregon lawmakers for getting this done… it should’ve been done a long time ago.

 So get with the program. Word.

By Johnny Beaver