As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolLawyers Lead Legally (#alliteration)
Lawyers… They’re great when they’re on your side (mostly), and suck when they’re not. Well, a few baker’s dozen of them in Portland are definitely on your side—even if you don’t know it. Because yes, I’m basically ignoring anyone who supports Trump right now, because I believe they need to be saved from themselves. If you do, too, and you’re actually still reading this column, then I consider that a cry for help. Aaand… I’m all out of hyper-biased insults.

Anyhow, members of both the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and the National Lawyers Guild (er… NLG? Sure, why not…) who think President Trump’s sh*t-talking of judges and ridiculous travel ban stuff is like, completely stupid… they’re getting together and saying so. One of them was even seen holding up a sign.

They had a small rally at the Multnomah County Justice Center. Believe it or not, not one of Portland’s 11 Trump supporters showed up to voice their disinterest.

And that’s about it.

In Remembrance of Quanice Hayes
Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock (which is frankly a weird place to hide), you’ve read about the recent shooting death of 17-year-old Quanice Hayes – gunned down by an officer of the Portland Police Department. Reported as an armed robbery suspect, initially there was a lot of talk about Hayes having been shot in the back – something that the medical examiner has confirmed as untrue. Either way, and however it went down (a replica gun was found near Hayes), a kid is dead and people are rightfully both pissed off and saddened.

A protest of around 200 people marched through downtown Portland last week, ending on the steps of the Multnomah County Justice Center (popular place, it seems). Police showed up in riot gear to try and control the crowd in an attempt to stop them from blocking traffic. The only big altercation between protestors and officers occurred when a 19-year-old got all feisty with another motorist somewhere down 3rd Avenue.

Poker Rage Pokes Police (#alliteration #failheadline)
A Portland cop was “let go” after he freaked out on some fellow cop homies at a home poker game. Freakout, no big deal, right? Well, he did leave and come back with his gun, threatening someone’s family and even offered to shoot someone in the head. It’s like, woah woah woah, hey there buddy. Calm your shorts, lol. Good lord. I’m sure that dude treats the people he interacts with on the street with fairness and dignity.

Prosecutors Summon OPB Reporter
With the second trial for the Malheur hole-poopers underway, federal prosecutors have used a classic subpoena maneuver to rake in one Joel Spelvado, an ex-OPB dude who interviewed the lovely Ryan Bundy once upon a time in the early days of the poop-u-pation. Whether or not they’re going to ask him to reveal his ultra-secret reporter notes, which is basically against the entire journalistic code of ethics, remains to be seen. And that’s about it, I guess. Can’t think of another sentence that will let me use the word “poop” again. Except for that last one.

Badgers Goin’ Dam Crazy
Okay look, full disclosure: I accidentally shot one of these things with a BB gun when I was a kid. No, I wasn’t really trying to shoot it… I thought it was a stump. Well, it was a mistake. That son of a waffle chased me and my friend Ben T-1000-style for like 10 miles… which, in kid distance, is about 100 yards. We crawled up on a rock for safety and it went away shortly thereafter. We were safe. However, that was just one of a great army of badgers, and their villainous handiwork is long for this earth.

Apparently these Jerks of the Forest are risking dam safety in Oregon because they’ve been tunneling around in what I’d like to believe are purposeful attempts to kill us all. Their passages, as well as some from their subordinates (i.e. other animals) are causing problems that have alerted engineers on the state payroll. If they don’t cut it out, people could die and homes could be damaged. Some company called Debaca Land & Cattle LLC is allowed to remove or kill the badgers, so I guess Bob’s your uncle on that one.

By Johnny Beaver