As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolStorms Runnin’ Amok
If you didn’t notice, the wind last week was a yuge pain the in the rear port, blowing trees about and coming action-packed with a boatload of rain — probably like a million boats, because boats are only so big and it rained all over. I did the math, it’s sound. Just trust me and move on.

So apparently these storms were record-breaking, and “swept” around and whatnot. Our beloved democratic Governator Kate Brown extended an emergency declaration last Friday, stating that it will last at least 30 more days. Brown made a visit to Ontario, Oregon, which was reeling from caved-in roofs due to snow, which included an estimated $100 million in damage to, uh… onions. Yes, there’s a like a zillion onions being stored up there. The More You Know. :Η:

Anyhow, Brown wound up getting off the plane in Ontario, Canada, but quickly flew back before anyone noticed too bigly. I did, of course. But I can’t hold the lot of you to my expert standards.

Bling Scouts
Not my best headline, but at least it’s horribly inappropriate. An Oregon man has filed a $5 million suit against the Boy Scouts, alleging sexual abuse by a Scout overlord. It specifically names the Cascade Pacific Council, which is some sort of Boy Scout thingymajig group that operates out of Oregon’s west side. ::throws up W hand sign::

The suit references instances that occurred in 1981, specifically accusing Charles Shattuck, a former Scoutmaster and convicted sex offender. The Boy Scouts of America have responded by basically saying, “We are so incredibly sorry, that was f*cked up beyond belief.”

Another Elephant Bites the Dust
This is actually the first elephant I’m aware of that has died, but as “all y’all haters know” (as some people would phrase it), if I don’t use clever headlines there would literally be nothing worth reading on this page. Anyhow… Packy is dead. Packy was an elephant living in the Portland Zoo, amazing people for decades with his walking around and stuff. He was 54 and he lost a battle with a type of tuberculosis and he really loved run-on sentences and liked peanuts. I’m guessing on the peanuts thing, but don’t elephants eat peanuts like crazy? Using their weird snake-noses to reach on over your shoulder and suck them right out of the bag. I’m so sick of that crap.

Packy was alright though. Everybody liked him, and it’s sad to see the old bastard go. Rest now, Packy, for you and your suspiciously ethnically insensitive name have been returned to the ether. Or maybe buried in a pallet of coffee cans.

Or flushed down the world’s biggest toilet.

Mo’ Wolves, Mo’ Problems
A proposal is being floated around that could allow people to hunt down and kill wolves that are causing disturbances. Like if a wolf fires off a card game with your chickens and cheats, blammo, slug to the head. Eats a pie off your windowsill? Well, you saw that coming, and blammo, poisoned. And now you’re driving the neighbor kid to the hospital, because that nasty little twit couldn’t keep his hands off.

Environmental folks aren’t too happy about this, because they generally care about animals and stuff like that. They want to keep Oregon wolf-murder free, unlike nearby states like Idaho, where it’s generally open season on their hairy rears if they get out of line and unplug the Xbox controller charging dock or something.

Whichever way it goes, this issue isn’t going away soon. On one hand a lot of people don’t want wolves running around giving upper deckers or short-sheeting beds, but on the other a fair number of folks don’t want them shot in the head over it.

To Pump, or Not to Pump
A measure is gaining traction that seeks to allow more Oregonians to pump their own gas. This follows last year’s law that has enabled backwoods, I mean rural, areas to allow late night self-pumpin’. The measure in question seeks to expand this, so us lazy people living outside of Jawa territory are safe.

Opponents of the measure have questioned the intelligence in increasing self-serve gas stations in a state where most people are too stupid to operate a pump. That’s not exactly how they said it, but I prefer this version.

Personally, I’d prefer a service where mountain trolls come down and fill my car up at night for free. I guess we’re stuck in Trump’s America though, so cool stuff like that will never happen. Though technically if you’re patriotic enough, you’ll put on a green rubber suit and give me free gas.


By Johnny Beaver

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