As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolDan Ackroyd Found Dead in Salem Cell
Obviously not Dan Ackroyd – he was abducted by aliens and replaced by a robot years ago. Seriously, how else would a talent like that approve of that godawful Ghostbusters reboot?

Anyhow, we’re talking about John Arhtur Ackroyd, who could technically be a distant cousin. Back in 1990 this lump of a man murdered his teenage stepdaughter and has been sitting in prison since his conviction in 1994 – not only for that killing, but for another killing as well. Everybody’s got to have a hobby, I guess.

So how did he bite it? His cellmate drown him in the toilet? Shanked in “the yard” with a sharpened toothbrush? Heroin baggie burst in his intestinal tract after he made out with his dealer in the visitation room in order to pass the bag (because that happens all the time)? Nope. Natural causes.

And that, my friends, is how you start the year with a proper anti-climax.

Salem Caretaker Commits Large Number of Related Crimes
A piece of human garbage by the name of Lena King was caught cashing forged checks that she stole from her client, a 73-year-old woman from Salem. Totaling just over $12,000, this class act has been slapped with 68 (that’s six… eight) charges of identity theft, aggravated theft, forgery, and being a dumb-dumb.

Let’s us do some bad math here, complete with an ignorance of how these charges have been applied. If each check constitutes four charges (one of each type), that means she wrote 17 checks. This means that each check was just about $706 on average. Which actually sounds like a paycheck or something. Hmm. I was kind of hoping that number would turn out to be ridiculously huge, or ridiculously low per check. Instead, this seems like a sensible number. Oh well. I guess this entry is derailed.


A New Year Brings New Laws
New Law 1: Immigration attorneys who are unlicensed are set to become just about as extinct as poachers are. Okay, so that’s two laws.

New Law 2: Lighting something on fire with something over it so it flies up will become illegal. It has been rumored that these are called “Sky Lanterns,” but that sounds ridiculous.

New Law 3: SB1517 lets Tillamook do some incomprehensible stuff regarding wetlands.

New Law 4: Some veterans disabled in relation to their service will no longer need to update anyone on their condition in order to renew their medical marijuana cards.

New Law 5: Impersonation finally becomes a crime. Unfortunately this doesn’t apply to people who dress up as Elvis.

New Law 6: You can no longer trade sex for boxes of Twinkies thanks to HB 4082.

New Law 7: It is now illegal to turn left into the far lane from 9th Street onto Van Buren in Corvallis just because you want to avoid merging to get out of town. Okay, that’s an old law. People, learn to drive.

Dennis Richardson Takes Office Tomorrow
Thanks to one hell of a goofy campaign by Democrat Brad Avakian, Oregon gets its first Republican secretary of state in like… carry the two… a long while. Over 30 years, to be slightly more exact. Richardson, a social conservative, once supported a bill that sought parental notice before teen abortions, and also fought against anti-discrimination legislation that would have protected homosexual couples – comparing homosexuality at one point to smoking, in that it is a “behavior.”

The list goes on and on, but my favorite has to be Richardson’s comments after the Newton massacre: “most of the murdered children would still be alive and the gunman would still be dead, and not by suicide.” This is in reference to some sort of fantasy where Richardson himself was armed and on site, given as testimony towards the need to arm teachers.

Thanks, Brad. Seriously bro, high five.

By Johnny Beaver