Sack o’ Dicks for the Oregon Militia

pink-heartOur honorable patriot rancher pals are still holed up in Burns’ Malheur Wildlife Refuge, and have run into a few problems, the principal issue being a major lack of foresight when packing for their supposedly permanent occupation.

On Jan. 9, militia leaders sent out an email asking for supplies, which has since been published on Twitter. Though the group of men, women, and children do have water and shelter, they are running out of what few provisions they brought along for the trip.

Quasi-essential items like vanilla coffee creamer, gaming systems, and three different varieties of extra-long Marlboros are mentioned in a list of nearly a hundred amenities which locals and strangers alike have quickly lampooned by sending the rebels a collection of hilarious gag gifts.

Last Monday, militia member Jon “Scrappy” Ritzheimer aired grievances on his Facebook page in the form of a video, explaining to viewers that most of the gifts—dildos, penis-shaped candies, and more dildos—were not only hateful, but unnecessary.

“It was really mind-blowing to me,” complained Scrappy, commenting on the extravagant $17.97 price tag on one package from Amazon containing a giant dong. “Rather than going out and doing good,” said Scrappy, “they go out and spend their money on hate, and hate, and hate, and hate.” To illustrate his annoyance, the man knocks several packages off the table in front of him. “We’re not going to be deterred. We’re not going to let all your junk and hate mail sidetrack us.”

Don’t worry, Scrappy. Here at The Advocate we aren’t into hate. In fact, we’ve come up with a delightful solution to where you and your buddies can hide those double dildos from the kids—clue: yes, there. To make this process easier for all of you humorless bastards, we’ve agreed to start a private collection to buy y’all militants your own personal sex therapist so you can put that $17.97 phallus to good use. Because dildos should be used for love, not hate.

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By Kiki Genoa

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