Last week a cheetah named Pancake was hanging out at Lincoln Elementary in Corvallis. There was a dog there, too, but like… who gives a sh*t about the dog? I’m sure he’s sweet and all, BUT OH MY GOD THERE’S A CHEETAH.
Exactly one day before Nurse’s Day, one Christine Wyonna Smith, 19, slapped a nurse in the face at Samaritan Regional Medical Center. OK, so it was an alleged slap. I’m not judging, though… some nurses need a slap. My mom is a nurse. Also, my wife is a caregiver, which is sort of like a nurse.
That same day, 48-year-old Corvallisite Jacqueline Marie Orr was arrested for possession of meth after officers pulled her over for… get this… swerving out of her lane because she was trying to dye her hair. Yes, while driving.
On Saturday, a Corvallis man climbed the crane at the hotel site between Washington and Adams. Officers were able to get him down without incident, and while they say it wasn’t a suicide attempt, they did report that it was related to mental illness. No other information was released, which seems to have resulted in local conspiracy theorists accusing the police of calling it a mental illness when it was “probably” just some thrill-seeker. I’m sure the man in question doesn’t mind having the severity of whatever he is going through dismissed so you can make really idiotic-sounding assumptions.
Apparently #5 in the Democrat-Herald’s “Albany PD’s Most Wanted” list is a coupon for a “Mother’s Day Bucket Sale.” There’s 20% off of everything that fits inside of a bucket, and then 10% off of whatever doesn’t. You can’t tell where it’s for because the graphic wasn’t cut to fit in the display space. And it’s only good until… last Sunday. Damn. I’m also a little disappointed that none of the actual human listings mention the likelihood of being bitten if encountering any of them in the wild.
The Lebanon Log: On May 4 a police officer gave a kid on a bike a coupon for a free Slurpee. I have yet to discover why this was illegal. I suppose some questions are best left unanswered.
By Johnny Beaver