Linn-Benton Backwash: Furries, Booze, and Kerby

linnbentonbackwash1Recently the Corvallis Gazette-Times published an article on “furry” workers, and went into detail about how these dogs fulfill roles as mascots, therapists, kid-related stuff, police units, etc. There’s talk of morale boosting and the use of cuteness to reel in customers, etc. The problem is… they don’t seem to have realized yet that a “furry” is not a dog. It’s a grown-a*s man in a raccoon suit. It’s a lady dressed as an alpaca. It’s a team of third cousins taking up the front and back of a horse costume. Yep, letting them run around, getting pet by customers, sniffing out drugs for f*ck’s sake. They mention Ruka, a German shepherd that hangs out at Play It Again Sports? Guess what, Ruka’s real name is Phil Climson and he drives a trash truck for the city. So where does it end? Is your dog or cat at home actually a person in a fur suit? Have you checked your tropical fish for little scuba tanks? Does your parrot… talk, sometimes? Get out, folks. Get out of the house, now. THEY KNOW. IT’S ALL OVER FOR US…

In other news, the Booze Guardians, also know as the Oregon Liquor Control Commission, issued a statement last week that they’ll be adding about 10 new liquor stores in Lane, Benton, and Linn counties. But whyyyy? People, silly. There are more people. More people need more booze. Simple drinkonomics. And yes, I’m terribly embarrassed for having even typed that. See what you make me do, people?

Speaking of booze, on the 20th a Corvallis man who seemed clearly drunk called 911 a bunch of times, telling emergency call center personnel that he couldn’t find his glasses and needed help getting to an optometrist. Can’t help him there, but at least soon it seems like it’ll be easier to find him a refill.

The Lebanon Log: On the 19th some crackhead started tailgating someone on Highway 20 just north of town, after which he sped around and pointed a pistol back at the victim and his passenger. Police busted his a*s shortly thereafter and charged him with all of the usual stuff. The driver, Kerby Newman, had no prior dealings with Lebanon PD. Sweet first entry for the old rap sheet, bro.

By Johnny Beaver