Linn-Benton Backwash: City Sinners and Other Non-News

linnbentonbackwash1Good news, everyone: OSU Moms… er, excuse me, “Moms & Family” weekend is over. Everyone, just take a shower and relax. You don’t have to worry about it for another year.

Four-term Benton County Commissioner Annabelle Jaramillo was cited for a DUI last week. She’s up for election later this year, so that’s got to suck. On the plus side, she’s running against an Oregon Republican… and they sort of lose a lot. Also, she didn’t run over or severely mangle anybody. Also good.

On April 26 some idiot cat crawled into the Corvallis Core Vitality Clinic’s ventilation system and got stuck. For the second time in two days. It’s now hanging out at the Heartland Humane Society, where it can be found vigorously attempting to get stuck in things.

More news that isn’t actually news comes spilling out of Corvallis media outlets about the Burgerville that’s moving in. Honestly folks, who gives a rat’s rear cavity? Hoorah, another chain restaurant, just what we need! My sarcasm is over 9,000 right now.

An inmate dropped dead in the Benton County Jail last week. Early reports went like this: “A guy died. There was no violence. We don’t know why. We’re probably not going to do an autopsy.” Queue the “they killed him and they’re covering it up” conspiracy nut brigade.

Have you ever wanted to buy a 19th century church? How about an “equestrian facility?” Even if you answered “Yes, by golly!” it’s doubtful you’d want to buy either in the crown jewel of Linn County, Shedd. Unless, of course, you were starting a cult. Anyway… both are up for auction. And that’s the big Shedd news of the year. You’re welcome.

The Albany First Assembly Church is being sued for a crispy $5 million over sexual abuse allegations dating back to the mid-1980s. The two men under suspicion were convicted for sexual crimes in 1988, but in an unrelated case. The suit itself is choosing to go after church leadership rather than the ne’er-do-wells. This isn’t the first time it has come up—the church itself actually put out a plea for victims to come forward in 1991. The Internet was really slow back then, so maybe said email just arrived.

The Lebanon Log: Good lord, April 27 was a busy day. Someone stole Steel Reserve from Mega Foods, a cop had to get tough with a five-year-old about biting people and stealing (in what order, I don’t know), a guy was caught peeing on the side of a house… Last, but certainly not least, a homeless man essentially put down his metaphorical tent spikes and set up shop in the middle of the Linn-Co Credit Union drive-thru.

By Johnny Beaver