Linn-Benton Backwash: A Fistful of Albany

linnbentonbackwash1On May 15 Corvallis Advocate Associate Editor Johnny Beaver woke up and was still really, really tired. He thought about just quitting this job and going back to sleep, but he had to pee really bad and by the time he was done, it was too late to be able to nod off again. When asked for a comment on the situation, Beaver had this to say: “Dammit.”

Summer is upon us and there are many great activities on the horizon. Perhaps get a second-degree sunburn while trying to find the perfect carrot at the farmers’ market. Float the mighty Willamette and experience the awe of parasitic existence after several rare creatures begin to nest in your urethra, or even starve over the course of five days as you huddle close to a six-foot bag of ice under your bed. The valley will have all that and more (like your ice cream melting before you can eat it) as we dive headfirst into yet another “hottest summer on record.”

The Democrat-Herald’s oft-entertaining mailbag recently featured a Republican ranting about another rant, because the first rant apparently used the term “progressive” in relation to liberal politics. This rant said that, “Hey, the way I define that word is a way in which it makes no sense for you to use it. Nevermind the fact that my definition and yours are different, because I’m trying to pull the rug out from under your ideology with semantics.” It was super riveting. I almost pooped with my clothes on.

On May 9 an Albany man with a curiously square head was hit with six counts of first-degree sexual abuse in relation to a girl under the age of 12. When reading up on the details via regional media, I noticed that the first and only comment on the story was very concerned that the man needed an interpreter, because this is Albany, which is obviously in America. And we speak English in America. Good job, guy.

For about the 30th time, the Lebanon Express does a feature on life as a med student. In related news, the city will be converting the old water tower into a pay-by-the-minute lookout on the medical school campus, complete with telescopes and a vending machine. City council is still debating masturbation privileges.

Back on April 29 the Linn County Sheriff’s Office reported that someone crashed their car into the “wrong way” sign just off of Highway 34 and Denny School Road. Please, make this laugh a hearty one.

By Johnny Beaver