Face to face with several mammoth handfuls of Oregon State University students last week, school President Ed Ray reinforced their hopes that he would show solidarity with undocumented students as part of a larger movement known as sanctuary campus. People cheered. He said he had no idea how he’d help, but that he’d do whatever he could. He then talked some crap about Trump and there were cheers then, too. That last cheer was kind of a freebie, of course, but there you have it.
In other OSU news, as of writing this there have now been two cases of mingocaockel… minengo… mening… some kind of bad disease on campus that I clearly can’t spell, commonly referred to as meningitis. Both people are doing alright, and the illness is not super contagious. Seven people got sick from the same thing on campus in 2015, which included one death. If you find yourself with a stiff neck and you’re burning the candle at both ends, so to speak… might be a good idea to get your a*s, literally, to a doctor.
Post-alert arrest: Jeffrey Appelt, a 28-year-old, 272-pound, 6-foot-tall bear of a man with average fashion sense, has “gone missing” from the Oregon State Hospital psych ward. Some sort of mystery authorities had said that he is dangerous, and the cops were looking for him. Duder (Note: Copy editor, that “r” is intentional. And no, you’re not supposed to erase this note… Breaking the fifth wall or something here. Getting really experimental.)… What was I saying… Ah yes, duder (Note from copy editor: Fine, but I have no idea if it’s capitalized or not.) is from Philomath, so there was a chance he might wind up around here—which he did. The Oregon State Police suggested that anyone matching Appelt’s description should be instantly tattled upon to whoever answers the phone at 1-800-452-7888. Or 911, depending on your urgency, but in the end it was a local cop that bumped into him, and subsequently arrested him.
By Johnny Beaver