Linn-Benton Backwash

linnbentonbackwash1Recently some students at Linus Pauling Middle School engaged in a Civil War re-enactment. I’m sure it was cute, but my conflict here is that I don’t know whether I should raise an eyebrow about kids blasting each other with muskets, or try to bring in something about Pauling’s Vitamin C quackery and partnership with Art Robinson. I think I’m going to just write the rest of this and take a nap instead.

The City of Corvallis is going to court over something called an “annexation.” Unfortunately this meets the four-syllable or more rule and my attention span has shifted. Next.

Albany has installed two new “parklets,” or as I like to call them, “spots with a bench and some kind of box to put crap on.” That’s pretty much all there is to say there. Next. Ugh.

Well, a bunch of drug dealers were taken down in Albany the other day. They had really great drug dealer names, too… like Shantel Kizziah, and Sean Michael Cross. Kyle Mathew, though… not so much. Missing a “T” in his last name, too. Must be a real black sheep.

On May 10 a description-less dog was allegedly stolen on Totem Pole Road. I guess I don’t have to mention that this is Linn County.

A bunch of people graduated all over the place, and like suckers they waited for hours to walk instead of just taking a really long nap, eating a crapload of Fudgsicles, and waiting for the diploma to arrive in the mail. In the immortal words (pun intended) of Shao Kahn: You weak, pathetic fools.

The Lebanon Log: On May 27 someone sugared a gas tank and… yeah, that was it for that boring a*s day. On May 28 things picked up with some dude peeing on the Rite Aid as well as a gaggle of children pulling down a stop sign. The next day a stop sign went missing on 5th and Sherman (coincidence? I think not) and someone stole a concrete bench from Park Street. May 30 started off with a bang when a fake gun and couple of masks were found in the garbage on Santiam Highway. May 31 was so damn boring that the blotter stooped to report that a school resource officer at Lebanon High School went to a sports game. And last—and possibly classiest—someone stole $20 from Mega Foods by cashing in copied bottle return slips. That’s some Inception-level hacker sh*t.

By Johnny Beaver