As the State Turns — Morons, Fat Cats & Some Other Stuff Edition

stateturnssymbolJust When You Thought It Was Safe…
…to read this column. The Malheur morons are back, folks. Can I get a sigh? Last Saturday over 100 moron supporters dog-piled outside of the federal courthouse in Portland as a show of… I don’t know what, something… in regards to the 16 terrorists—er, occupiers—facing charges there. The Patriot Movement, as they are hilariously calling themselves, are apparently growing in number. The photos of the gathering outside of the courthouse look like the bridge of the starship Enterprise, if only Gene Roddenberry had been super into whitewashed hillbillies with bad dye jobs.

According to reports they have even contacted those with the Black Lives Matter activist group, as well as some “Indians,” to help spread their message… but I can imagine that hasn’t gone too well. And in fact it hasn’t, having been directly rejected by the leader of the Portland chapter. She even called their flag a nightmare, which is also her flag technically, so I’m very confused. On the other side of things, a representative from the Paiute Tribe of Native Americans referred to what the occupiers did as tantamount to going to Washington D.C.’s military cemetery, digging a hole, and defecating in it. Boo-ya.

One person interviewed said that those on trial were only guilty of a “community service act.” I suppose that could be construed as true, if you think of service simply as a function, rather than something implicitly, like… good. Nearby, candles lit for downed occupier LaVoy Finicum had a cowboy hat sitting atop the display. Which, of course, is a total fire hazard. Finicum is a danger to himself and others even from beyond the grave, it seems.

I suppose the good news is that they at least had the sense to show up unarmed.

Speaking of Oregon Native Americans…
The Klamath Tribes are putting their collective feet down in opposition to a Dollar General store that is planning on opening in Chiloquin. Long story short, they’re doing this in support of the Choctaw Tribe in Mississippi, which is currently in legal shenanigans with the company as a result of a legal case that is being tried in tribal court. What landed them there? Not the low, low prices… but allegations that the manager sexually abused a 13-year-old male worker. What the hell a kid of that age was doing working in a Dollar General is beyond me, but that’s beside the point I suppose.

Anyway, Dollar General counter-sued, claiming that the tribe had no jurisdiction over them, and it’s been a roller coaster of fun ever since. Are there any other motivations, perhaps related to the ability of large companies like Dollar General to out-compete other local businesses? Abso-damn-lutely. But I bought some fireworks there last year and they sucked, so &%^! ‘em.

Amtrak: Dog People, or Cat People?
Both, apparently, as they are now allowing them to ride the Cascades trains between Eugene and Bellingham. The only catch is that there is a 20-pound limit, including the carrier weight. Dude, my cat Wembley-Don Von Lipschitz, a prideful Maine Coon, is almost 30 pounds before dinner. His body floweth like the mountain waters of my ancestral lands, and I’m pretty sure he could be poured into a WinCo shopping bag… so what the hell?

So basically, Amtrak hates fat pets. Way to respect body image, jacka*ses.

A Long U of O Story, Short
Enter campus police chief Carolyn McDermed. Or rather, exit. She recently jumped ship just a couple of days before a judge was all like, “Sorry Kemosabe (not a racist term, according to the Canadian courts), but that $755,000 award against your a*s due to your retaliation against a whistleblowing employee stands.” She denies being aware of the whole thing, but also admits that she didn’t realize fraud was a type of dishonesty… making her a moron and pretty unfit for the role of police chief anyway.

The whole thing is supposed to cost the state university about a million and a half in attorney fees and whatnot, but the really funny part is where the school essentially paid her $46,000 to bugger off instead of simply waiting out the last four months of her contract. I mean, good lord, if I knew people would pay me to go away, I’d do it all the time. Any takers? I’ll stop writing this column for a cool $10,000 and some Taco Bell bucks.

If it makes you feel any better, just remember that time they paid Michael Hottfredson, university president, about a million dollars to take a permanent vacation in 2014.

 By Johnny Beaver