As the State Turns: A Florida Field Trip, Some Words for Our Beloved Oregon

stateturnssymbolThe Kitzy Is Back
Great news, everybody—John “The Blue Jeans” Kitzhaber is “going public again.” No, no, no, he’s not running for office, that’s beneath him. No, according to Kitzy himself, he’s kept his mouth shut during this last year’s federal probe because he’s like, not an idiot… but now it’s time, oh yes, time to get back in the public eye… er… by creating a Facebook page where he can like, ramble. Yep. Soon you’ll be able to read Kitzhaber posts about public issues. It’s sort of like the President getting a third term, only there’s no power involved, and nobody elected him. Yay!

What Kitzhaber’s posts are going to be like is anyone’s guess, though, because all media coverage of this announcement so far has quickly slipped from the topic at hand to spend more time asking him about Cylvia Hayes and the investigation. It’s like, dammit, we don’t give a rat’s hairy a*s about corruption scandals, let’s hear more about irrelevant Facebook posts.

Witness the Doom of Jeff Rose
One of the largest school districts in Oregon has been managed for the last five years by Superintendent Jeff Rose. And now, he’s leaving to helm a school system… in Georgia. That poor, poor fool. See, I’m from Florida, and I’m in Florida right now for my brother’s wedding. Georgia is like a slightly less sh*tty Florida. It’s hot and muggy as hell—the time it takes to sweat through your clothes is roughly equivalent to the time it takes to close your door and walk to your car. There are pockets of Caucasian inbreeders and it’s impossible to tell which ones are rapey and which ones are cannibally. When you go to a fast food restaurant, 86.7% of the time there will be a NASCAR person on the cup.

Anyway, so this idiot is about to make the biggest mistake of his life, and I could have saved him. I could have removed all of this hurt and woe from his life. Jeff Rose, you fell through the cracks, and for that I am sorry. Our system is a sick one, my friend. My God have mercy on your soul.

A Short Bit o’ the Funnies
Remember minuteman extraordinaire Ryan Bundy? Yeah, the guy that looks like he was beat in the face with a shovel. Well, he has chosen to represent himself in court.

Feel free to take a break from this in order to laugh up a lung now. I mean, he was already so boned… now he’s just. Oh man. Lol.

As the Florida Turns
Being the intrepid reporter that I am, I wanted to use my trip to Florida to give all of you in Corvallis a sneak peek at the only state to have its own section in The Huffington Post’s Weird News feed. My wife, who had never been here, asked me two questions within the first five minutes after getting off the plane—to both of which I answered yes.

“Does the air always feel this nasty?”

“Does it always smell like this?”

Unfortunately after that all I managed to do was go out for my brother’s bachelor party, where I drank six margaritas, five beers, three gin and tonics, three tequila shots, two Long Islands, and part of something that tasted like cough syrup out of a large plastic penis. During that time I witnessed much excessive booty-shaking, hugged an old man with indescribably weird clothes and a giant cowboy hat, had my shoulders rubbed while I was taking a piss, and some other stuff I can’t mention. Most of the action was spent at a Señor Frog’s establishment—a place that puts a big curtain up at about midnight that says, “Don’t look behind here” so people can basically like, get naked, I’m guessing. There was a conga line and a fantastic house band that shot off a 40-minute nonstop 90s R&B medley.

Now, obviously I failed on actually reporting on anything here. But I did take one useful lesson from this that I’d like to share—Florida is a butthole and I only came back for my brother, but us Oregonians need to loosen up. The craziest places in Portland pale in comparison. The great liberal north needs to take a load off. I’m sure if I had said something about Trump being a total micro-penis turd-brain fists would have flown, but there was zero judgment in that place and it was nice getting to experience some actual cultural amalgamation.

That said, I can’t wait to get back. It’s too f*cking hot here, with a constant claustrophobia due to a lack of mountains, and there are enough depressing strip malls to wrap around the moon twice. Give me sweet, sweet yuppies bitching about GMOs and super uptight white people all over the place… Sweet Oregon, we shall reconnect soon.

By Johnny Beaver