As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolReturn of the Mack
The last time I saw Art Robinson, he was emaciated, jaundiced, and skittering naked across my floor like Gollum on cocaine, attempting to find refuge under the coffee table. And really, all things considered, that’s no big deal. It only becomes a real problem when he starts trying to lay eggs… or runs for office. Unfortunately, I think we’re facing a double-header.

Retired crackpot—I mean, college professor and biochemist—Robinson has announced his intention to take on longtime incumbent Democrat Peter DeFazio. The goal? One Grade A, delicious congressional seat. The only problem is that nobody has beaten DeFazio throughout his 30 years in office. This will actually be Robinson’s fourth attempt at his seat, and that’s if he can even clinch the Republican primary against opponent Jo Rae Perkins.

So what does Robinson have to offer? Mostly just a long string of complaints about how the federal government kills business through corporate takes that are too high (yes, you heard that right) and regulatory overload. During one interview he claimed that this had taken out large socialist “empires” before, but couldn’t be bothered to name one. So who was it, Arty? Atlantis?

Another thing his platform is based on is the notion that the government should get the hell out of our business. Federal intervention is bad, mmk. Only not when there’s like, a natural disaster. Because according to Robinson that’s not the same thing—tornado relief should be the responsibility of the Department of Defense.

Surprisingly, Robinson recently spoke out against presidential circus clown Donald Trump’s border wall, stating that the Soviet Union was the only place he had ever heard of that needed one. In his defense, nobody has ever told him about China. To quote one campaign adviser, “The less Robinson knows about stuff, the better.”

I could go on and on, talking about how he wants young children to be able to be put to work so they can learn “values,” or about how he thinks it’d be a good idea to sprinkle radioactive material from planes into the Oregon water system so we can slowly become immune (based on a widely ridiculed theory)… but no. As much as I’d love to, we’re just not going to go there.

See, no matter how badly you want to return America to the 1950s, your chances of being elected are about the same as me peeling my a*s off the couch today. That’s what happens when you spend your life sponging off of the government, only to rail against it later. Also, that’s what happens when you’re totally full of %@$!.

By the way, folks, I know having to read about this guy sucks. Don’t say I never gave you nothin’:

Trump in Oregon
The Oregon primary is coming up and I thought I should let you know that Trump looks to have about 43% of the total vote, according to the Hoffman Research Group (based out of Portland). Cruz is in second place with 26%, and that’s even after he made a deal with Kasich that he wouldn’t campaign in Oregon and New Mexico if Kasich called it quits in India.

Obviously this isn’t really a surprise, but I try to remind myself now and again that there are actual Oregonians that not only vote Republican, but vote Trumpian.


Portland’s Growing Homeless Problem
Portland is facing similar issues to Corvallis regarding the homeless, in that nobody wants a shelter in their backyard. But with a much larger problem than Corvallis, they can’t exactly afford to pay slap ‘n’ tickle with various forms of gridlock like we can.

The emergency shelter they erected at the former Sears National Guard Armory is about to hit the end of its promised six-month lifespan, and despite attempts from the mayor to get it extended, residents in the area just aren’t having it. So what’s a city to do? Move the shelters out of town, silly.

Not as far out of town as some had suggested here (past the airport, really, folks?), but basically far enough that new shelters could be erected with citizen support. Sites are being considered in north and northwest Portland, Gresham, southeast Portland, and more. The city has made sure to be very forthcoming with possible neighbors and so far the reaction has been pretty positive.

Frankly, I see this as a situation where the homeless population has gotten so large that you’re seeing a lot of positivity from people saying, “Finally they’ll get the help they need,” when in reality they mean, “Thank God I won’t have to worry about my Audi being broken into.” Call me a cynic. /shrug

Either way, it’s nice to see change on this issue in a mobile state, isn’t it?

By Johnny Beaver