As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolThe Governor’s Race Is Coming Up
When? In the near future. Did I not make myself clear? Anyway, I thought you might like a rundown on the major players. So here, you ungrateful leeches.

Kate Brown: John “The Jeans-Wearin’” Kitzhaber’s mid-term replacement is set to prove herself almost by default, considering the last time a Republican held the office was 1987. To put things into perspective, this was the year the first Final Fantasy game was released on the Nintendo Entertainment System… and you could buy a new, loaded Ford Escort for under 10 grand. Yep, and when Fox made its TV debut. In other words, everyone I mention after this stands zero chance in hell.

Bud Pierce: Born William, Bud has taken a weird hillbilly name like so many other right-wingers (*cough* Mitt). Old Buddy boy’s a Republican doctor from Salem with a crapload of money that he doesn’t mind dumping into his own campaign, since very few other people seem to want to. Seriously, he’s raised over a million buckaroos… 75% of which came from himself. I’m also assuming he designed his own website, which has zero shame in tossing out a sappy “my family was poor and I bagged groceries” story as if it’s special and the millions of others who could tell that same story don’t exist. I do like the part where he uses his father’s death for character-building, though. Very effective.

Allen Alley: Despite his name, Alley doesn’t appear to be a Marvel character. In fact, his official campaign photo sort of makes him look like a goof. A sweater over a white button-up business shirt? If you’re ever short on cliché, just run a cheese grater across this guy’s a*s. Don’t underestimate him, though… just visit the link below. It’s a great example of someone trying to exceed their power through dastardly deeds when their side is losing. The poorly conceived plan to bone Ron Paul failed, but it’s a great look into his character.

Other Democratic Challengers: None of Brown’s rivals have raised any kind of money, and because money buys elections, they’re not even worth mentioning.

Jeff Merkley, You Sexy Beast
Compromise on the GMO labeling debacle—the word on the street is that it’s happening. This is significant in my mind, because it’s an issue where the number of moderates and, in general, people making any kind of sense whatsoever are in the extreme minority. For example, I both despise Monsanto and support GMO technology. I both eat GMO foods and believe that labeling is not such a bad idea, only detrimental by its influence on the ignorant. But if you consider all people and do actual research, you’re looking at crossfire from two camps of competing extremists that won’t read anything if it’s not on a Facebook meme.

Back to that compromise. Enter Mr. Jeff Merkley and his genius “smaller type on the back of the product” plan. Now honestly, it sounds stupid as all hell, but it technically could work. The food industry doesn’t want the labeling to look like a big warning, and besides that they don’t really give a sh*t. The people that want labeling want a label, and that’d still be a label. Bada-bing, bada-boom.

What gets me is that the public is so intensely out of touch with facts about GMOs (one way or another) that one could really head it off with a font modification on a can of corn. Nobody has to learn a damn thing, problem solved. It’s like avoiding burning to death by deciding fire isn’t hot. I love it, and dammit, I love America.

Oregon’s Premier Pet Lovers
Speaking of my love for America, a man in his 50s by the name of Agustin Lara Garcia was just arrested last weekend in McMinnville for trying to arouse himself by poking around at a horse’s nether regions on multiple occasions. Contrary to popular belief, this is illegal—even if it’s your horse. I guess he wasn’t paying attention when Jeremy Satangelo was busted for touching a dog with his penis back in August.

Maybe next time these two weirdos will try to %$@! a weasel and just pull back two stumps. I only have two questions for these men: Did Art Robinson put you up to this, and how much did he pay you?

By Johnny Beaver