As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolWalkabout: PDX Style
Ever heard of Jules Bailey, Ted Wheeler, or—God forbid—Randy Gragg? Well, the first two are mayoral candidates for the fine city of Portland, Oregon… and the latter is Oregon Public Broadcasting’s architecture critic (because that job exists). What do they have in common, you ask? Oh, you mean besides two arms and two legs (though I’ve only seen full-body shots of Gragg and Bailey)? They all went on a walk together as part of one of those political stunts where candidates pound the pavement and pretend to really care. Of course they might actually care, but that makes for poor comedy.

Anyway. They walked around. Wheeler said some stuff about trying to protect historic buildings in Montavilla. Bailey yammered on about changing building codes so that the population density can be increased as a way to deal with a blossoming workforce. They both gave unwarranted opinions on slick modern urban design. And you know what else? They both wore glasses. Out of the two, I’d have to say that Ted Wheeler was dressed more like someone who might own a Volvo.

After the cameras stopped rolling they took a trip to Voodoo Doughnut where Wheeler and Bailey argued over the last three-pound, cinnamon-sprinkled dong. After tearing it in half with Wheeler, clearly the better man, settling for the balls, they all piled into Gragg’s 1991 Honda Civic CRX. Translucent purple/yellow paint job morphing with the PDX skyline, aftermarket spoiler bouncing up and down against an illegal trunk mount, they all headed up to the Walmart Supercenter in Gresham to leverage some doughnuts for a couple of hookers.

“One second, Daddy,” Krystal said to her pimp, who was in a wheelchair, sporting both a purple jumpsuit and a 12-pack of Diet Pepsi. As she approached the hatchback hot rod, Bailey and Gragg started waving bits of doughnut at her like mad salesman of some sort of forbidden ware.

It was a win-win situation. After all, as Krystal was sure to point out… Kitzhaber used to only show up with Krispy Kreme.

Get Your Zeek On
Children. What can I say? They’re horrible. And now there’s another reason not to have sex: the damn Zika virus. The Oregon Health Authority won’t say who did the deed, but someone traveled to a country with Zika outbreaks, brought it back here, and delivered it via… well, via a wiener, I’m sorry to say. Into someone who had not gone to said country.

So, Zika. Who is your daddy, and what does he do? That’s what a hell of a lot of doctors are trying to figure out at the moment—so just settle the hell down, folks. In fact, one genius Oregon physician, Richard Leman, said that if you have a partner who has just returned from an affected area… it’d be smart not to form the beast with two backs.

And that phrase is so gross that I just threw up a little writing it.

The Forest Grove… Noise
There is a sound in Forest Grove, it only comes out at night, and it’s super damn annoying. Some “audio expert” measured the sound, which of course means nothing unless you can calculate distance from the source, so… yeah, thanks for the input, KATU. Good job.

I listened to a recording and it kind of sounds like a yeti experiencing painful gas after somehow getting a brass instrument lodged in its a*s. Since that’s at least a little bit unlikely, what is it? A leaky pipe of some sort? Nobody knows.

Oooh, mystery! A mystery that will hopefully be obliterated by the perfectly earthly explanation that will be found sooner or later. And hopefully sooner. I don’t know how the people in Forest Grove are tolerating this nonsense. But hey, if you want to pass the time by reading into ridiculous amateur explanations, there’s no shortage—the story has gone national.

Thanks, Monmouth
According to census data gained by analyzing metrics such as number of degrees, unemployment, poverty, cost of living, and other stuff, local Monmouth is getting our little area some fame. Striking gold as ninth on a list of the “most miserable cities in Oregon,” Monmouth is apparently just a bit &%@! than Gresham, yet somehow better than AAA sh*thole Milton-Freewater.

Roadsnacks, the group that put the list together, is all like, “Hey, bro… this isn’t science, chill out.” But seriously, with rainbow-farting happylands like Springfield, Klamath Falls, Ontario, Umatilla, and Madras on the list, it sounds about right to me.

If we’re lucky the next time the census rolls around, Monmouth will have stepped up its game a little and inched closer to first place!

By Johnny Beaver