As the State Turns…

stateturnssymbolSeriously, Refuge or Psychiatry?
As you probably already know, the last four lunatics to man the Malheur Refuge occupancy have surrendered. All were strangely quiet in court as they were arraigned, which is especially weird for David Fry, who up until that point couldn’t keep his mouth shut. All he managed to utter was “Yes, I do” to confirm he understood his charges, as he stood there in some of those fancy smocks that protect you from killing yourself—the result of his threats to end his own life if the feds didn’t meet his demands.

Fry’s last few hours were spent mumbling via a YouTube livestream, rambling on about pizza, UFOs, and blowing his own brains out. There was also a great moment where he moaned to an FBI caller about how our nuclear plants are leaking, and that the government was using it to chemically mutate people. Shortly thereafter he told the FBI that if they all said “Hallelujah,” he’d come out. Rambling on about a cookie and a cigarette, he walks out towards the agents and you can hear people say “Hallelujah”… right before they say “Put your hands behind your back.”

And poof, it was done.

During the occupation Fry was in charge of the sex boxes, or as we call them, the computers. He set up the website, which was supposed to be a news source from inside the compound. During his stay he began to see fallen occupier LaVoy Finicum as a bit of a father figure, which, let’s face it, makes perfect sense. Now, while as far as I can tell there have been no psychiatrists to step forward, it seems safe to say that a man who posts stuff on Twitter like “#HitlerWasRight” and drives out to help occupy a federal building full of nutters over a nutty issue… is nuts. A lot of these occupiers were just self-serving idiots who thought they could start a revolution that would end with them making a sh*tload of money in the cattle industry, but after listening to highlights of Fry’s broadcast he seems like a man in need of some serious psychiatric help.

While the scars this event has left on the surrounding area will take years to heal, let this be a lesson to you sympathizers. Your heroes here took this man in, fostered his condition and used him. Were they too stupid to see it, or did they just not care? What about this sounds like a revolution?

Oregon Turns 157, Whee
Feb. 14, 1859 was the day Oregon took its spot as the 37th state of the union. To celebrate the anniversary, Oregon Public Broadcasting posted a video with some fun Oregon facts. Well, here are some of my own:

1. Matt Groening has in fact confirmed Springfield, OR as the Springfield in The Simpsons TV show.

2. Portland’s tiniest park, Mill Ends, was created in 1948 so leprechauns could race snails from one end to the other of its two-foot expanse.

3. Portland has more strip clubs per capita than any other city in the entire United States. Unfortunately a lot of them regularly use only their B and C teams, so you don’t really want to go.

4. Oregon has a weird law that makes it illegal to box with a kangaroo. This is too bad, because I’d love to watch a kangaroo beat some guy’s a*s.

5. Portland is home to over 60 breweries, but most aren’t as good as those here in Corvallis.

6. Portland’s first female mayor was elected in 1949, but she banned pinball machines as part of an ignorant movement that couldn’t differentiate them from gambling machines.

7. If you visit the Walmart parking lot in Lebanon, you can find a gazebo and plaque that celebrates the Oregon Trail. Why? Because it’s under the parking lot.

8. Oregon was the first state to ban bottles and cans that cannot be returned, way back in 1971.

9. Portland has the United States’ highest percentage of white people in a city—over 70%.

10. Apparently our state flag is the only one in the whole country to have different designs depending on which side you’re looking at. I was too lazy to turn it over, though.

11. At one point Portland was hit by a vandal armed with a bunch of “POOP” stickers, who placed them over the word “STOP” on stop signs. Corvallis has been similarly assaulted by someone named Steve Rulz, who just writes “Steve Rulz” on everything. Despite numerous inquiries, the publisher of this paper denies all involvement.

By Johnny Beaver