As the State Turns

stateturnssymbol2016 Year in Review
Don’t worry, I don’t hate you enough to make you relive this turd of a year. It was tough on all of us, and boy do I have the right medicine… let’s hear about how ex-Portland mayor Charlie Hales has just abandoned his post an entire week before his job was done. Did he rush off to fight for freedom in a sub-Saharan country that nobody has ever heard of (maybe that one from 1982’s action epic Megaforce)? Does he have a sick parent in the hospital? Is he heading to a poor country to pose with Anderson Cooper while he takes his shirt off and carries boxes and small children? Nope, none of the above. At least as far as I know. No, no no… no… he’s gone sailing.

Yep. Hales is stopping off at Safeway to get several cases of Stella Artois Cidre and some of that great nitro IPA from Guinness on the way to his 44-foot boat, er, I mean “yacht.” He’s planning on spending a year and a half to travel from San Diego on through the Panama Canal, then up to Miami and across the ocean to Europe.

When asked about whether or not he had the skill to make the trip, he commented on how people have died more often crossing the street in Portland than he has on his boat. Which… carry the two… he has not died on his boat even once, so this is a bit skewed. And yes, I’m aware I’m taking huge liberties with his quote, and I don’t even care, because Santa left me a new pair of sweet waterproof Converse. That and I may or may not have been drinking.

* cough *

But uh. Oh yeah, good luck Mr. Hales! It was nice knowing you. Not that you won’t make it back or anything. And if you’re reading this, please bring me back some Irn-Bru if you happen to find yourself in the Highlands.

Kate Brown Goes All Willy Nilly with the Pardons… Only, Not
Governor Brown has used her executive powers to pardon a few dudes who clearly deserved it. Timothy Haner was busted in 1994 and slapped with a marijuana-related felony. He served three years of probation, and has since proven himself a valuable member of the community by running the Beaverton Library on Wheels program. The District Attorney for Multnomah County said something like, “Hell yeah, let’s get that record knocked the eff’ out because a felony sucks and stuff, and it makes no sense and is dumb.”

The next to receive a pardon was Abbas Moradi, a man who was hit with fines and probation in 1989 when he drove a hooker to her client’s room. Nowadays Moradi runs an adult daycare facility, which has had problems with its license because of this ridiculous conviction.

Last but not least, Brandon Buschbach suffered a 1991 conviction for driving with a suspended license, which netted him a two-year probation sentence. He is a member of the Oregon National Guard and a father of three.

Good job, Kate Brown. Maybe you will consider granting me clemency for what I’m going to do if my writers here at the Advocate don’t stop turning in articles with their paragraphs indented.

Let Me Get This Straight
You may remember this from back in April: former Portland police chief Larry O’Dea shot his friend Robert Dempsey in the back while camping. While Dempsey was being airlifted, a sheriff’s deputy on the scene reported smelling booze on O’Dea. In a recent statement to the court, Dempsey has said that O’Dea had not been drinking and that the shot was an accident. Like a good friend, he had desire to help prosecute the guy for an accident… even if it was an accident that involved a bullet hole and a helicopter ride.

O’Dea was facing criminal charges for something to the effect of “being a drunken fool,” but with this statement his attorney has filed a motion to dismiss. Sh*t happens, folks. Thankfully not always with guns.

Don’t Ever Say I Never Gave You Nothin’
It’s Christmas morning and here I am, writin’ my life away. I am your guide, your advocate, your friend and loving senpai. And though Pope Francis has offered his worldwide message of peace to all on this day that is holy to him, pfft. I offer you my message of peace, just to you loyal Advocate readers. And here it is:

Please stop reading this paper. I’m stuck writing and editing on CHRISTMAS DAY. What the hell? If I wasn’t desperate for the pennies they push under the door of my cage, I’d be playing my Colecovision right now and using last week’s issue to wipe my a*s. So please, seriously, give me a bit of peace… make this paper stop, one lack of a reader at a time. Amen.

By Johnny Beaver