As the State Turns

Measure 97 Strikes Back
Not really, but I never miss an opportunity for a “strikes back” headline.

Many of us who support corporate tax hikes but chose to vote against Measure 97 due to its sloppy language have been hoping to see signs of a redoubling of efforts—and we’re getting them. Sort of.

The “A Better Oregon” coalition has a plan, which involves working hard to formulate a new plan to ease some of the criticisms Measure 97 crumbled under. Wow, right? Now that’s a plan alright. A spokeswoman for the group, Andrea Paluso, says the problem with the measure was in the details, not the goal. Maybe so. But the goal sure was effectively spun as a doomsday scenario for the economy.

For a different outcome, a grand total of 341,250 people would need to change their minds. Let’s hope for some stronger, more definitive language as the details emerge from their new set of proposals.

U of O Anxiously Awaits the Trumpenning
(I’ll be selling licenses for use of “The Trumpenning” shortly, stay tuned.)

But yeah, the University of Oregon is wading through a real nail-biter here, but not because they’re a bunch of psychopaths. You see, UO gobbles up about $100 million in government grants every year, from agencies that are poised to take a serious hit from Trump’s climate-change-denying bucket o’ crazies. The departments of Health and Human Services and Education, as well as the National Science Foundation, fork over a hell of a lot of cash to the university, and that cash could dry up when it’s diverted to buy moist towelettes for every man, woman, and child laboring in Freddie Mac’s basement.

As of now, UO has nearly 1,000 research grants. The good news is that—well, no, there’s no good news here. Let’s stand in solidarity with the Ducks, though, and bite our nails together. It’s not like OSU is safe either. Or any grant-funded school.

Holiday Headlines for You
While a giggle at the headlines isn’t exactly a great use of one’s time, at least it doesn’t have anything to do with Trump, right? Let’s start with the most valuable headline of the season:

“Northeast Portland American Legion Post Gets Lit.”

Now, we both know that innuendo and I go, like, way back. But this headline, which I saw on the Oregon Public Broadcasting (OPB) site… Did the building burn down? Are all of the veterans and their families stoned? Wait, it must be that they got new lights, right? Nope, not even that. Once I realized the usual suspects for the language were nowhere to be found, I quickly moved on out of fear that I might encounter some sort of abstract metaphor that would go over my head. I’d never be the same after that, and I wouldn’t want to let my fans down by starting to write informative, legible news.

Elsewhere on OPB we have “Winter Storm Snarls Portland Traffic, Stranding Thousands.” Expert translation: “a storm growls traffic.” At that very instance I had a flashback to this moment when I was one year old, back before I knew any prepositions. Those were the days. Pooping on the couch, drooling. Good times.

Moving right along, we have “How Five Types of Oregon Drivers Deal with Snow” at the Statesman Journal. A real page-turner… sort of like our pathetic cute furry animal issue. On the next page I found “Santa Visits Salem on Live TV.” I find this pretty hard to believe.

Over at OregonLive.com I came across something that said, “Cylvia Hayes’ book explains how Donald Trump will be a great president.” As it turns out, it’s true, which I will explain… but if you want to read any more stupid headlines, just take a look at the rest of this week’s issue of The Corvallis Advocate. We always have at least a few.

Cylvia Hayes Did What Now?
Oh, she did it alright, and it’s getting rave reviews. But don’t worry, our beloved ex-governor’s fiancé has only penned a bit of satire, so no need to jump straight to the part of your day where you use the Advocate as free-every-Thursday toilet paper. According to itself, the book is “daring, politically incorrect, and keenly insightful.” It also claims it “cuts through the media hype and mob rhetoric to distill Trump’s genuine promises to the American people.”

So what’s in this that’s so riveting as to have received a grand total of 13 largely positive reviews on Amazon.com? Not a damn thing. Literally, the book is blank. Coincidentally, this is likely why there are only 13 reviews. Despite getting a glowing rundown from Bearsnob, an Oregon resident famous (not really) for penning dozens of in-depth Amazon reviews, who proved a good point with a single one-star rating:

“She’s a con woman and this book is just more proof of that fact.”

Fair enough. I mean, she’s getting paid for writing nothing. And it’s probably far more than I’m getting paid for writing my patented “almost nothing.”

By Johnny Beaver