As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolOregon Media: Come on, Folks
You know, it’s really difficult to get a beat on state news when all of the state news outlets are refusing to talk about anything but Donald ^%#@! Trump. Trump Takes a Fat Dump on CIA Press Release. Trump Reveals Even More Campaign Money He Used to Pay Himself. Trump Plans to Use Public School Money so Private Rich Kids Don’t Have to Pay at All. Trump Rejects Proposal for Common Sense. Trump Elects Satan to Official State Barbershop Quartet. Trump’s Hair: Is it a Toupee? Is it Organic? Which Parts of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Has It Achieved Independently from the Rest of Him?

Yes, he’s a big, ugly, orange bastard with weird hair and he says a lot of really stupid sh*t that threatens our sense of sanity in an increasingly global and ridiculous world. But, my dudes, I’ve got a job to do, which is basically to repeat what you say in a vague way, complete with bag jokes and runaway narratives that don’t even make sense to me. Please, get back to reporting on Oregon. There are plenty of complete tools to focus on. Start off with something easy, like a little Art Robinson. What’d he do today, try to irradiate his goldfish so they can breathe air like real people? Goes down smooth, satisfying for all parties. Kind of like a can of Schlitz malt liquor after a hard day’s work.

Hop to it. You’ve wasted enough of my readers’ time.

On Dancer, on Prancer, on Comet, on Craigslist
Everyone loves Craigslist, simply because it’s one-stop shopping for broken toilets, Playstation 3 games, crafts made by people who haven’t heard about Etsy, and what I suspect to be prostitutes of rather poor quality. And now, there’s one more reason to diggit: pot.

Yes, pot, the lovable green stuff that some people think cures cancer, and others think just makes Ghost Dad, starring the one and only Bill Cosby, absolutely butt-exploding hilarious. Now there are people selling pot stuff all over Craigslist, including one Keizer woman who has put together a gift box with a bunch of ridiculous crap in it, like pot-infused “body butter” and rice treats. There’s some other stuff, but I can’t get over how gross that first one sounds. Body butter? Isn’t that when yeast grows on you because you’re pulling a Jim Morrison and haven’t showered in a year?

Seriously, folks, it may be convenient for home brewing, but you shouldn’t slather it all over yourself on purpose because some goof thinks it fixes arthritis (this woman does claim that). There are much better ways to spend $100 online—for example, that time machine from Napoleon Dynamite that shocks your nards just before you realize it’s not a time machine at all. That’s a much better gift for Grandpa than a pot-flavored suppository.

Kennewick Man to Finally Go Home
Long story short, the Kennewick man is an 8,400-year-old skeleton found back in 1996 near the Columbia River. Referred to as the Ancient One by the Yakima native population, this dude is one of the oldest complete skeletons found on the great continent of North America, home to Carl’s Jr. Inc. and outrageously priced asthma inhalers. Twenty years of effort to get Mr. Kennewick back into the clutches of his descendants for a proper reburial has finally paid off, with a bill that will transfer the remains from the US Army Corps of Engineers to the ::breathe first:: “Washington Department of Archaeology and Historic Preservation,” who will then hand it over to the locals.

See, not all news is totally horrible. Granted, I tell it horribly even when it isn’t. But that’s what you get for picking up a free paper.

Astoria PD: PD of the Future
Maybe so, maybe not. Just wanted a catchy headline so you’d keep reading. You know how it is. Anyhow, Astoria’s cops have been diggin’ to some new training designed to weed out “implicit biases” towards things like weight, gender, disability, ethnicity—you name it. Though the result of this training will not likely become apparent right away, there are two things we can be sure of:

1. More police departments need to be taking this seriously and implementing their own programs.

2. No cop in Astoria would ever hold anything against Sloth, because he’s a hero and he saved all those child actors, including the benevolent Corey Feldman. Speaking of which, if you haven’t heard his ridiculous band Truth Movement, you might want to keep it that way. Some things… you just can’t un-hear them.

By Johnny Beaver